You've got romance issues. And your mate — boyfriend or husband — doesn't have a clue.

Welcome to the reality of long-term relationships.

Couples everywhere experience lulls in their relationship, when both partners forget — or don't know how — to keep that romance alive. But the feeling that the relationship has fallen into a humdrum routine can be frustrating to one or both partners.

"Often times there are those romantic moments in the beginning, before marriage or commitment — then that's it," said Mitzi Gold, a licensed clinical psychologist and social worker who specializes in personal development and relationships. "Men move on to another stage of the relationship, but women still want the romance."

The challenge is finding a way to sustain the romance even when the romantic period — typically three to six months into a courtship — is over.

There are simple, inexpensive ways to rekindle the romance or keep that fire burning, including love notes, after-work picnics, and massages. The key is to understand and acknowledge the importance of romance in your relationship.

"The end of the romantic period doesn't mean the end of the romance," said Susan Frieder, a licensed clinical psychologist on Maui. "There are deeper reasons for the relationship and you need to look at those. It's about what's good for the relationship."

Romance means different things to different people. Some want intimate moments, others prefer words of kindness. Finding out what your partner wants — and needs — is the first step. The rest is up to your imagination.

Love to love you

Donald and Sally Parker of Diamond Head — pictured with Libby and CC — first met 40 years ago in Waikiki. Jeff Widener • The Honolulu Advertiser

The couple first met nearly 40 years ago at Don Ho's show in Waikiki. He was a 21-year-old professional football player; she was an 18-year-old college student on her first trip to Hawai'i.

It was love at first sight.

"I just thought he was so handsome," gushed Sally Parker, now a youthful 57. "It was my first night in Hawai'i ... He stopped me and asked me out to coffee. Of course I said yes."

They dated for about two years — mostly through letters — before going separate ways. Both got married, both had children.

Then, in 1983, the two met again. This time, though, they didn't make the same mistake. They got married two years later and have been in love since.

Their secret to a healthy, happy relationship? Small, deliberate gestures of love.

He brings coffee to her in bed every morning. She brings home special gifts for him — just because. They both love to travel and collect art. And they do a lot with their seven children — six from other marriages — and five grandchildren. For example, Sally Parker manages her daughter Leslie's new opera company, Golden Key. They host an annual cookie exchange every Christmas. They took three of their children and lived in Tuscany for a year. And their Diamond Head home is always teeming with kids.

"If it hadn't been for our romance or our ability to communicate, we wouldn't have made it," said Donald Parker, 60. "Romance is very important. A friend is a friend, and I've got a lot of friends I'd play golf with, but not like (Sally)."

Added his wife, with a wink: "We're definitely more than just friends."

Nifty 'first' dates

Romance is the expression of love through words, gestures and actions. That could come in the form of a foot massage, holding hands or just picking up the dry-cleaning after work.

While romantic gestures can — and often do — happen spontaneously, planning them into your schedule is a good idea, considering how busy people's lives have become.

"Sometimes you have to physically schedule it," Gold said. "As with anything in our life these days, if it's not scheduled, it won't happen ... More and more couples are recognizing 'date nights' and getting out for themselves."

Married in May, Jennifer and Peter Binney make it a point to do things together. Lucky for them, they have a lot in common.

They paddle their two-man canoe to the Mokulua Islets, meet for lunch spontaneously and garden together at their home in Lanikai. This March they took a surf trip to Tavarua.

Though married, dating is still a big part of their relationship.

Jennifer and Peter Binney

But the small things count, too.

Peter Binney writes poems for his wife, sometimes for no reason. He'll even recite a rhyme in her ear while she's cooking.

"He's not Shakespeare or anything," Jennifer Binney said, laughing. "He just writes simple, cute things. He's just like that."

He really went overboard — literally — when he wrote her a poem, stuck it in an old Japanese beer bottle, and had his brother strategically leave it in the ocean off Lanikai for them to find that day. The couple took their two-man canoe out when she spotted the bottle. She pulled out the message — while he quickly paddled to shore — and discovered it was from him. On the beach he proposed.

"That was so romantic to me," she gushed. "He put so much thought into that."

Love and acceptance

Contrary to popular belief, romance isn't just for women.

"Men want women who they feel good with," Gold said. "And it's important for women to be aware how their tone and gestures and words affect a man. They need to be able to create that sense of love for him through appreciation, through trusting him and through accepting him as he is."

Some women look at men as "home improvement projects," Gold added. And some men want to "fix" women. Couples should be more focused on love and acceptance, rather than problems.

Cynthia and Richard Rankin

He plans surprise parties for his wife, Cynthia, and has dinner ready for her when she gets home from work. They play tennis and go boating together. And on Friday nights, they enjoy a glass of wine with pupus at a favorite restaurant.

"They say there are three things important in life: fortune, fame and love. I'd definitely go for love," said Richard Rankin, an economics teacher at Iolani School. "And I mean love, not lust. I know she loves me, and that makes me the happiest guy in the world."

For his wife's 50th birthday, he planned his most elaborate surprise yet. He convinced her they were going to meet someone who was interested in buying her 8-year-old Jeep Cherokee. Instead, he drove her to the BMW dealership on Kapi'olani Boulevard, where a 2002 325i sedan was waiting for her, topped with a red bow.

"I just started crying," said Cynthia Rankin, 50.

And though she doesn't plan any intricate surprises, she does one thing that makes her husband of 14 years feel very special: She packs his lunch everyday, often leaving little notes such as "Have a good day" inside.

"It means so much to me that she (does that)," Richard Rankin said. "Cynthia isn't one to fall in love with you on a spur-of-the-moment and then fall out. Once she falls in love, she'll be in love with you forever."

You're being observed

Often, relationship patterns are learned from parents. So it's important for parents to model romantic behavior for their kids, experts say.

Rich Stevenson and Mahina Chillingworth

"With kids around the majority of the time, it's not like we can walk around the house naked," joked Chillingworth, 39. "We'll walk past each other and pinch each other's 'okole. Then we'll just crack-up laughing."

Stevenson, a 36-year-old prison guard, does thoughtful things, like bring her a lei after her big canoe races. She returns the gesture by telling him how handsome and sexy he is.

And then there are the hugs.

"That's a universal thing," Chillingworth said. "When he hugs me, I know he loves me."

While he may not plan lavish candlelit dinners or shower her with dozens of roses, Chillingworth isn't complaining.

"Sure, the romantic part could use a little boost, but he's as romantic as he'll come," she said. "I could ask for me, but I shouldn't because I'm happy with what he gives me already."