Posted on: Sunday, June 19, 2005

Proud to be a father, proud to be father's son

By Michael DeMattos

Lift your glass and let's make a toast to fathers everywhere.

The last century has been tough on dads and their families, but the times they are a-changin' and I want to celebrate Father's Day in style.

I must start by admitting that my father is not perfect, which is a good thing. I can't imagine what it would be like to be the son of the "perfect father."

I suspect it would be like taking up basketball if you were Michael Jordan's son or baseball if you were the progeny of the Babe.

The perfect dad may be the ultimate form of birth control because no one in his right mind would want to live up to that expectation.

Still, my father has been my "main man" since I was a child, and this runs counter to many children's experience. It seems to me that many kids go through predictable stages when it comes to parents and their feelings for them. Especially their feelings for dad.

Stage one is deification. Most kids believe dad to be godlike. When you consider that a baby or young child is nearly completely dependent on their parents (including dad in one way or another) you realize this may not be far from the truth. But having power and control over a child is not the same as loving that child.

Still, I believe in most cases fathers do love their children. In fact, I believe it often happens instantaneously — love at first sight, if you will — on the day the child is born.

I loved my child from Day 1 and I believe my dad loved me from the get-go, too.

Stage two is vilification. Sooner or later we learn that dads show love in different ways. Sometimes love is a shoulder to lean on or a word of encouragement, but at other times love is a kick in the pants.

While most kids get mad at dear old dad, the anger usually fades and relations return to normal.

But kids also learn that papa is no angel and some will see this as a betrayal. Children learn that dad, like other adults, can be self-centered, pig-headed, lazy and sometimes even mean-spirited ... but enough about me!

Stage three is humanization. This is when children realize that their parents are not perfect, but that they do the best they can with what they have. It is a bit cliché I know, but there really is no manual on becoming the perfect dad. If there were one, I would have found it. Sadly, I probably would have lost it too, but that is a different column most likely written by my wife.

I never vilified my father, though I learned early on that he is not perfect. I will not go into the details of how I learned about his humanity. This is a father's day piece, after all. But I can tell you that one summer morning, when I was very young, I realized I was his son and I learned that he loved me.

I can also tell you that my relationship to him has done more to shape my life than any other person I know and that this somehow permeates my being.

I am proud to be a father and I am proud to be my father's son and this toast is for him and fathers everywhere:

Here is to you, Dad!

Michael DeMattos is on faculty at the University of Hawai'i School of Social Work. He lives in Kane'ohe with his wife, daughter and two dogs.