Kids may like 'Pacifier' but their parents won't be amused

By Tom Long
The Detroit News

THE PACIFIER (Rated PG) One Star (Poor) This insipid rip-off of "Kindergarten Cop" has Vin Diesel playing a Navy commando assigned to guard a rambunctious and fairly obnoxious family of kids. Lots of diaper and minivan jokes, no redeeming qualities except for a duck who doesn't get enough screen time. Vin Diesel and Faith Ford star for director Adam Shankman.

A somewhat brazen rip-off of "Kindergarten Cop" and "Mr. Mom" — two films no one under the age of 10 has likely seen — "Pacifier" looks for cheap yuks by juxtaposing a big macho man with spoiled, unruly kids. If that setup sounds awfully familiar, that's because it can still be seen in theaters in "Are We There Yet?" and it's been used repeatedly since, well, "Kindergarten Cop" and "Mr. Mom."

The big stud here is big bald Vin, who with his inflated body and gleaming dome is starting to look almost more cartoon than man. But then cartoon is certainly what director Adam Shankman ("Bringing Down the House") is going for. Everything here is overblown, from the agony of changing a diaper (it's amazing this gets done millions of times each day in the real world) to driving a minivan to getting kids to school on time. All is calamity.

For the record, Diesel plays Shane Wolfe, a Navy commando who, whoops, let the guy he was rescuing get assassinated on his latest mission. The dead guy leaves behind a family and a secret that America desperately needs. Shane is assigned to guard the dead guy's kids while the dead guy's wife (Faith Ford, a little scary looking on a big screen) goes off looking for the secret.

Interestingly, no one in the dead guy's family ever says, "Hey, my dad's a dead guy now because of you. Nice job, ace."

Anyway, poop jokes and puke jokes ensue. There are five kids, ranging in age from teens Zoe (Brittany Snow) and Seth (Max Thieriot) on down to an infant. Outside the household there's a would-be tough guy vice principal (Brad Garrett) and ridiculously nice and beautiful principal (Lauren Graham, who deserves much, much better).

There's also a duck named Gary, who thinks he's a watchdog. Now, it's hard to go wrong with a duck. They're great actors; they do that little waddle thing; they exude confidence and humor at the same time. And every time Gary's onscreen, even in the background, this movie moves up a few notches. If they'd just put Gary in charge of the kids and had him changing diapers this could have worked.

But they didn't. It's Vin Diesel, and Vin Diesel is about as funny as ...Vin Diesel. See Vin covered in sewage. See Vin kick down a door. See Vin terrify teenagers. See Vin be tough. See Vin be tender.

Actually, don't see any of it unless you have a running subscription to American Masochist magazine. The entire film promotes the too-prevalent notion that problem children can be turned around in mere days by a sudden influx of movie star shenanigans, it trades on routines that are more than well worn, they're worn out; and it plays like a bad Disney film (which, not surprisingly, it is).

Take your kids to see "Because of Winn-Dixie," rent "Mr. Mom," read them a book. Don't do "The Pacifier" to them.

Rated PG for action violence, language and humor.