Posted on: Friday, March 4, 2005
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KISSES AND MISSES
She got dumped; she hurts
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By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Dear Tanya: I'm still head over heels about my last boyfriend.
He decided we should just be friends. He was my best friend, the one person I could talk to whenever and wherever.
But now that I've come to the realization that I'm no longer his girlfriend, things are hard.
I get emotionally attached to every word he says. Oftentimes, I listen to what he says and try to figure out the true reasons for our split.
I can't seem to get over him. I don't want to because my feelings for him are still too strong to begin something with someone else.
I've told myself time and again to stop taking his phone calls and to stop calling him. It's been almost four months now, and I haven't been able to do that.
How can I get over him?
— STILL HANGING ON
What do you think about checking the e-mail of your significant other? Is sharing passwords OK? Do you spy on the sly? Or is your e-mail off-limits to your partner? Vote in our weekly relationships poll. Being in the dumps can make you appreciate the next good thing that comes along. But first you have to endure the potholes along the way.
So here's my breakup pep talk:
There is something you can do to take back control.
Make the decision to get over him. I really do think this is a conscious step. You are not there yet.
Maybe it will take months.
Maybe it will take therapy.
Or maybe it will just take reading this to get you to realize: "Hey, I don't need to hang on to something that's dragging me down."
Keep your dignity by putting down the phone. Don't pretend you're going to remain best friends. That's not the way these things usually work. Make room in your life for other friends who can get you laughing again.
Next, focus on yourself for a while. Do something to boost your confidence (shopping therapy? a fitness program?) so you look and feel good about yourself.
Set some goals to give yourself a kick start and get the rest of your life on track.
There's no magic in getting over an ex.
It's like grief. It's hard, but you just have to go through it. Keep getting up in the morning looking for opportunities instead of disappointments.
It's all in your attitude. Looking ahead will keep you from reliving the past.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
The only thing that feels worse than being the dumpee is crawling back to the person who dumped you when he's just not that into you.
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