Posted on: Friday, March 11, 2005
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KISSES AND MISSES
Lately, not much to smile about
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By Tanya Bricking Leach
Advertiser Relationships Writer
Dear Tanya: My husband and I fight a lot lately, over little personality quirks mostly. I feel like we're drifting apart. I'm 21 and he's 25. He's in the military. We moved out here two years ago, and I don't have a lot of close friends to open up to.
So I usually have to vent to him, and he thinks I'm always complaining.
These fights we get into always escalate into arguments, and we do this three to five times a week.
I feel like I always keep my opinions to myself just to avoid a fight, but he speaks his mind all the time.
A lot of times, he hurts my feelings when he talks to me in a mean way. He says that's just how he is.
I feel like giving up, but I love him so much and I want this marriage to work.
I just need some advice.
Thanks.
— SAD FACE
How long do you expect your marriage to last, and how seriously do you take the words "till death do us part?" That starts with finding ways to reconnect.
Check out www.smartmarriages.com, a clearinghouse for marriage information. There, you'll find all sorts of retreats, conferences and classes geared to strengthening marriages. The idea behind the site is that a good marriage is based on skills, such as learning to express your feelings, fight fairly and solve problems.
Resources listed there include ideas such as the Catholic-based Retrouvaille weekend retreat, which teaches couples of any denomination how to air grievances, share painful feelings and forgive hurts.
It's not for everyone.
Maybe you'd rather go to a marriage therapist or keep your problems to yourselves.
But it's worth considering.
You are young and could benefit from hearing from couples who have gotten through some rough spots.
It sounds as if you and your husband could use some Marriage 101 skills on how to express your opinions and resolve conflicts.
That's no guarantee your marriage will work. Honestly, I don't think all marriages are meant to last.
But if you cared about each other enough to wed, you should at least put your efforts into living up to your vows instead of giving up without trying.
Need advice on a topic close to the heart? Write to relationships writer Tanya Bricking Leach at Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; or to kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
I don't know all of the secrets to making this social institution succeed, but I think a lot of it comes down to both of you deciding you want to stay together and will do the work it takes to make your marriage work.
DOES MARRIAGE MEAN FOREVER?
