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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, March 13, 2005

Watch for symptoms of madness

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

If Temple coach John Chaney sending out a hit-man wasn't an indication that the bizarre is afoot, then Oakland University (which is in Michigan, not Oakland, Calif., by the way) crashing the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament with a 12-18 record surely is.

Welcome to the annual outbreak of that affliction known as "March Madness" that can strike anyone anywhere this month.

You, too, might have already come down with a case. Consider yourself among the millions afflicted nationwide and seek immediate help if you:

• Bought a sleeping bag to be the first in line just in case National Invitation Tournament tickets go on sale at the Stan Sheriff Center tomorrow.

• Can't believe that today, "Selection Sunday", isn't considered a religious holiday.

• Are looking to buy some Final Four tickets from Mike Tice.

• Not only knew where St. John Fisher was, but that it was the last unbeaten team in NCAA basketball.

• Scheduled your vacation around the O'Reilly Auto Parts Southland Conference Basketball Tournament.

• Have been told you remind your family of having a Riley Wallace tantrum when you stomp your feet.

• Think Billy Packer would be a natural replacement for Dan Rather.

• Believe the "Jake in Progress" TV show is an adaptation of Jake Sottos' senior season.

• Thought Bashar Assad was a power forward in the Big 12.

• Have started referring to colleagues at work as "high-major", "mid-major" or "low-major" material.

• Keep waiting for the Western Athletic Conference Tournament to come to Hawai'i.

• Have changed hair styles this season to follow those of "Little Matt" Gibson.

• Think Chaney calling one of his players a "goon" was a term of endearment.

• Begin chanting "over-rated ... over-rated!" when a luxury car pulls up next to you at a traffic light.

• Asked UH if it rents out the "Bowzooka" for a baby luau.

• Sent a sonogram of your soon-to-be-born daughter to the coaches at Stanford University, alerting them to save a scholarship for 2024.

• Have the Horizon Conference Tournament bracket taped to your refrigerator door.

• Looked for Jade Abele's X-ray on eBay.

• Thought all this talk of a Mideast peace conference had to do with a league of pacifist schools.

• Started printing "Jeff Law for Governor" T-shirts.

• Are hoping Rick Neuheisel will be in your tournament pool.

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8044.