Posted on: Monday, March 21, 2005

ABOUT MEN

By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

Spring is nearly here, and for some men, that means love and romance. For others, it's tax returns and a trip to Vegas. In my home, it can only mean one thing.

The annual home-improvement, relationship-testing adventure in marital patience.

When Mrs. G. and I moved into our aging cracker box a few years ago, spring became a stage for grand ideas, arguments about good taste and common sense and how much money you can spend to achieve both without going broke.

This sort of debate has become a construction-oriented re-affirmation of our marriage vows, although I admit the words "until death do us part" are occasionally whispered through gnashed teeth in the aisles of Home Depot.

Sometimes I win these debates. Most times, I do not. But I'm richer for the experience — until the bills arrive.

Still, I recommend home-improvement over marriage counseling. Even if you and your mate cannot agree on something as innocuous as the color of paint, the paint job will leave you too tired to fight.

Our list of projects is mediocre.

We expanded the dining room one spring. It was a big job. We had to hire a professional carpenter to arbitrate.

Another year, I built a fence and a gate, then re-landscaped the front yard. That project seemed to last all the way to the next spring.

Last year is still fresh in my memory. It was all about the knee-and-ego-bruising joy of ceramic tile.

There are a lot of things you can disagree on when it comes to tile, but a good tile job lasts longer than a lot of relationships, so you have to argue right.

But this spring looms as our Everest of annual home-improvement tests. We're building a new kitchen. And doing a little bathroom work, for good measure.

Everything that has gone before is simply a prelude to this. Nothing can compare to our repartee over counter tops that come in shades of baby-poop green, the need for a dishwasher and the size of the sink.

Do you think the worth of a man should be measured by the size of his sink?

Mrs. G. has several sample tiles scattered here and there on our floor. She has little squares of Corian propped against the cabinet door sample. Stare at it and tell me what you see, she told me.

Uh ... little squares of sample countertop propped against a cabinet door sample?

Mrs G. comes by her remodeling vision naturally. Her father was a contractor. Being that her mother was from New Jersey, she also received a dose of professional-grade indignation. She can see past the little Corian samples, and she isn't shy about telling you what you're supposed to see.

I know. I'm a lucky husband.

An ordinary man might fear this rite of spring. Not me. I'm evolving.

Besides, when this is over, I'll have the biggest sink on the block.

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8012.