Posted on: Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Just hang with the kids
By Janie Magruder
Arizona Republic
They're the do-all, see-all, know-all families in your neighborhood or circle of friends. The parents who, with spring break approaching, are taking the kids to Costa Rica or sending them to day camp where they will learn to cure cancer, win the Cy Young Award and land a spot on "American Idol."
Illustration by Tony Bustos • The Arizona Republic Can't keep up with the Joneses? Perhaps you shouldn't even try, especially during spring break, when all the kids may really want is a little unplugged time — with you.
"Our kids' best teachers are us," says Alvin Rosenfeld, a New York child psychiatrist and author of "The Over-Scheduled Child" (St. Martin's Griffin, $13.95).
"What we're doing is depriving them of that experience when we rush and we go and we think visiting an amusement park is more important than hanging around, renting a movie and talking about it. What our kids most need is us."
Even some arm's-length teens say they want more time with their parents, according to Teens Today 2003, a survey of 2,753 American teens by Students Against Destructive Decisions and Liberty Mutual. Although 54 percent of the respondents feel they get the right amount of parent interaction, 28 percent said it's "not quite" or "not nearly" enough.
Most teenagers with high self-esteem said their relationship with their parents makes them feel good about themselves, the survey further reported.
With spring break upon us, lollygagging may be difficult for some go-go parents not accustomed to doing nothing and for those who think every art project must be perfect.
Others might have only part of the week off work or just evenings, as usual.
The key is setting a realistic period of time — 30 minutes? four hours? — that you can devote to your children, says Steven Bennett, author of "365 Unplugged Family Fun Activities" (Da Capo Press, $10.95).
Turn off the cell phones, avoid all forms of screen time and just be.
"If you're 'whatever ... yeah' half there, your kids know it," says Bennett, a stay-at-home dad of two in Cambridge, Mass.
He suggests activities that require little planning and no major purchases, such as heading to the beach, storytelling or dress-up with old clothes around the house.
Think of things that won't stress you out, and let your child pick the one to do, he suggests.
"If you're not accustomed to inventing stuff on the fly with your kids, you might get frustrated," Bennett says. "It doesn't have to be incredible, elaborate stuff."
Expectations must be realistic, too. If your daughter never has played football, your son is a stranger to the oven or it's been 30 years since you colored, don't expect her to complete every pass in the back yard, his brownies to be edible or yourself to stay within the lines.
Instead, heap on the praise, pat yourself on the back and be flexible in not moving on to the next activity just because the alarm on your watch sounded.
"Kick back and have fun," Bennett says. "If you're having fun, they're going to sense it."
Downtime with kids often provides opportunities for real communication, says Rosenfeld, who fondly recalls fishing with his dad.
"You didn't accomplish anything, you usually didn't catch anything, but it didn't even matter," he says.
"So much of the time in the school year, we run home, get homework done, their practice starts at such and such a time, we squeeze in dinner," says Brenna Stull, a mother of five ranging in age from 2 to 11.
"I think it's really important they have time to be independent, time by themselves where they're not doing anything organized. To be quiet and creative and to just think."
The following resources can help your family unplug from distractions inside and outside your home:
Books
Links
All before they're 18.
A 2003 study found that 28 percent of teens feel they don't get enough down time with their parents. And some advocates say younger children are often overscheduled for structured activities.
