By Bob Krauss
Advertiser Columnist

A faithful reader, George Waialeale, has earnestly requested a rerun of the letter I once wrote to Donald Francis, a student historian in New Iberia, La., explaining Our Honolulu.

At that time, Donald wrote: "As part of the requirements of my American History class, I must write a letter to a foreign country. I would appreciate it if you could please send me a photograph of you and your country's current leader. I would also welcome a copy of your newspaper and any other information pertaining to your country that you feel would benefit our class."

In answer, I forwarded to Donald a late issue of The Advertiser and a 1978 campaign photo of His Highness, George the First of the House of Ariyoshi (our ruler at the time). Other information that might benefit the New Iberian history class was a little more complicated. But I tried to fill Donald in on our strange customs and form of government:

"Dear Don,

"We in Hawai'i welcome the opportunity to make contact with another foreign nation like Louisiana. We have already established cultural relations with California and are trying vainly to correct our trade deficit with Las Vegas, Nevada.

"You expressed interest in our method of justice. We believe it is unique. It is called 'trial by jury.' All you need is a judge, 12 jurors and a subpoena. Our laws are made by elected officials who start with a feast (at the Legislature) and end up mad at each other. It's hard to tell who is on what team without a program."

The names of the legislators in the paragraph that followed are out of date but not their tendency to disagree with the governor and to leave the important business of government to the last minute. Let us continue:

"Although the city is in revolt against the state, we in Hawai'i are a peace-loving nation. We have never waged war on another power, even Los Angeles. So long as tourists spend their money and go back home we are happy.

"However, we do have an immigration problem. The trouble is our climate. It's too nice. People come over here for a vacation and like it so well they decide to stay. We've tried everything. We've imported mosquitoes, the biggest cockroaches in the world and termites that swarm on warm summer nights like hives of bees.

"People keep coming anyway. We've raised prices so high that a slice of raw fish you couldn't give away in Kansas cost $14 a pound and a modest little low-income cottage on the corner sells for $100,000 (remember, this was 30 years ago).

"But we don't want to bore you with our problems. Perhaps you can find somebody to translate this into New Iberian. Your friend, Bob Krauss.

"Editor's note: Bob Krauss, columnist, has been on the staff of The Advertiser since he moved here in 1951 from the People's Republic of Minnesota."

I hope you're satisfied, George Waialeale.

Reach Bob Krauss at 525-8073.