It was a cry for help.

"She revealed to me how unhappy she had been," Yuen said. "She wrote in her diary that she was depressed, angry with the world around her, and most of all, she was very angry with her mom, who never even tried to understand her."

Yuen, who also has a son, knew her faults: She was constantly criticizing and controlling her children, often losing her temper. It was enough for Kristy to pen thoughts about running away. Even suicide.

The revelation was a blow to Yuen, who for years filled her home with parenting books and attended college courses in child development.

"I was so upset I had done so much but I fell flat on my face," the Honolulu resident said. "It helped me to discover it takes much more than just knowing all the skills and methods. We have to be in control of our own emotions."

The experience six years ago inspired Yuen to write "The Three Virtues of Effective Parenting: Lessons from Confucius on the Power of Benevolence, Wisdom and Courage." Yuen, who graduated from the University of Southern California with a master's degree in journalism, researched and studied parenting and child development for 16 years. Her book is based on her findings, including the teachings of the Chinese philosopher Confucius.

"It blends ancient wisdom with contemporary parenting concepts to teach parents that they have to cope with their emotions before dealing with the logic of parenting," said Yuen, 52.

The virtues of benevolence, wisdom and courage are essential to creating deep and lasting bonds between parents and children, she said.

"Benevolence is the most important in parenting, so that you will be able to truly understand what's going on," Yuen said. "It helps us to stay calm and counter all these negative emotions in us, like anxiety, anger, confusion and frustration."

Wisdom enables parents to foresee the consequences of their actions to make the right choices, and courage helps parents to follow through and do what's right, not what feels easy, she said.

"All the virtues are interlinked," Yuen said. "We cannot pull one out."

Yuen holds free workshops based on the virtues, emphasizing an approach to making important parenting decisions, especially when parents feel angry, confused or fearful. The three-step approach is as follows: Stay calm, think rationally and act confidently. (See box on E1.)

Tina Dimitrion, 47, of 'Aina Haina, attended one of Yuen's presentations and found what Yuen said about not getting worked up over situations helpful.

"If you stay calm, as hard as it is sometimes, you progress more and get more accomplished without the yelling," said Dimitrion, a mother of three children, ages 9, 10 and 12.

The technique can work when children come home with bad grades, Dimitrion said. Her advice: Rather than scolding, give children a chance to express themselves, because they probably already feel badly about the situation.

Colleen O'Handley says that learning to listen to her three daughters without interrupting them has made her a more attentive, loving mom.

Hawai'i Kai resident Colleen O'Handley, who also attended a workshop, is the mother of three daughters, ages 5, 9 and 11.

"It refreshed my parenting skills: I think twice before speaking sternly to my girls, I try to stay calm, I try to take a different approach by not making a big deal over little problems, and I choose my battles," said O'Handley, 42.

But among the most important lessons O'Handley learned from Yuen was to listen to your children without interruption.

"It's really important to let them express themselves from beginning to end," O'Handley said.

Yuen said listening with your heart to understand your child is crucial, and that there is nothing more valuable for a child than to understand that their parents validate their feelings.

"It's painful for me to hear parents say that they do not allow their children to express their feelings or sometimes they don't even allow them to cry," said Yuen.

Remembering the night her daughter shared her journal, Yuen said: "When I saw my child was hurt, I immediate felt for the pain, for that hurt inside her heart. That produced benevolence inside me. That produced the love inside me to help her more."

Yuen said the findings have made her a better parent.

After making an effort to change her ways, Yuen developed a close relationship with her daughter Kristy, who is now 18 and attending college on the Mainland. Before Kristy moved away, the family would have dinners together — with the television off — sharing lively conversations. Recently, Yuen's daughter saw a celebrity at a mall and called to tell to her mom about it right away.

Little things like that mean the world to a mom. Or dad.

"After I changed myself by listening more, talking less and understanding her with my heart, it gave me so much power that it drew her closer to me," Yuen said. "It's amazing."

Reach Zenaida Serrano at zserrano@honoluluadvertiser.com or 535-8174.

In "The Three Virtues of Effective

Parenting: Lessons from Confucius on the Power of Benevolence, Wisdom, and Courage," author Shirley Yuen emphasizes characteristics essential for parents to create deep and lasting bonds with their children, based on the teachings of the Chinese philosopher Confucius:

• Benevolence teaches parents how to truly love their children, to guide them with discipline and respect, and to be generous with their time.

• Wisdom shows parents how to take the right action for the right result, to understand their children's problems and to learn from their own mistakes.

• Courage helps parents to persevere when things go wrong, to let go of their children when necessary and to make positive changes even when it is easier to do otherwise.

Yuen holds workshops based on her book to help parents be in control of their own emotions, reasoning and actions.

Parents need to apply a three-step approach whenever they are at a crossroads, and the technique is especially important when parents feel angry, confused or fearful.

Step 1: Stay calm with benevolence.

Step 2: Think rationally with wisdom.

Step 3: Act confidently with courage.