Posted on: Tuesday, May 10, 2005

It's not just a name, it's your life

By Christie Wilson
Advertiser Staff Writer

This is supposed to be the time of year when brides-to-be are busily planning their weddings. In addition to deciding whether to hire her cousin's friend's brother as a disc jockey and where to seat the loud-mouthed in-laws, there is one decision every woman who gets married must face that will affect the rest of her life and generations to come.

Namely, her name.

Not too long ago there was nothing to decide. It was taken for granted that a woman would adopt her husband's last name. But that has changed in recent decades, as women have asserted themselves as independent forces in business, government and community life, no longer satisfied to be branded as mere chattel.

So today's bride must choose whether to take her groom's name, keep her maiden name or reach some sort of compromise, usually with the help of a hyphen.

Generally, I am against the hyphen option because it is rarely applied equitably, with the man enjoining his wife's name.

And while it may provide middle ground for couples, what about the children? What happens when Justin Yamamoto-Kealoha wants to marry Tiffani Rodrigues-Kowalski?

And just how are you supposed to fit all that information on a college application?

Maybe Spanish cultures have it right by using two surnames, as in, for example, Raul Perez Santiago. The first surname represents his father's family name and the second his mother's maiden name (her father's family name), although Raul would be known simply as Perez on second reference. Women do not change their name when they get married, so that both bride and groom maintain their own family names. However, depending on the occasion and her social status, a woman may tack on her husband's first surname with the help of the word "de" or "of."

OK, maybe that's a little complicated.

When I got married, I took my husband's name because he cared more about it than I did. I spent more time fretting over what to do with my byline — a sensitive topic for any ego-driven journalist. Most hyphenated names don't have the ring of a hard-boiled reporter, or they just don't fit in a single line of type.

Anyway, it seemed weird to change my "stage name" mid-career, so my solution was to continue using my maiden name at work and employ my legal, married name just about everywhere else.

The downside of this arrangement is that my husband is sometimes referred to as "Mr. Wilson."

But that's a minor affront compared to the benefits of being able to be anonymous at will — like when your kid's school PTA is casting about for a public relations officer or when writing a check at Foodland for two pints of Cherry Garcia, a bag of Doritos and a cold-pack of Diet Coke.

Reach Christie Wilson at cwilson@honoluluadvertiser.com.