Posted on: Tuesday, May 10, 2005
PARENT POWER
'Fair' and 'equal' differ, despite what kids think
By John Rosemond
Carolyn Straub of Omaha, Neb., writes to ask that I explain the difference between treating children fairly and treating them equally. Good question, Carolyn, if for no reason other than this particular topic confuses adults and children alike.
To begin with the obvious, children think the two terms are synonymous. Well, that's not exactly true.
Because children are naturally self-centered, the child who complains of being treated "unfairly" really means, more often than not, that he or she has not been given the greater portion or put at the head of the line, or both.
Treating children equally means treating them in exactly the same manner regardless of any quantifiable differences between them. Treating children fairly means treating them with consideration of those differences.
Take bedtime, for example, as regards two siblings, ages 5 and 10. To treat them equally, one would send them to bed at the same time. To treat them fairly, one would let the older one stay up later. Obviously, the younger one wants to be treated equally, while the older one wants to be treated fairly, and rightly so.
The concept of meritocracy is germane to this discussion. Meritocracy means that privilege is conferred objectively. In the previous case, the criterion is age, but it could also be a measure of talent, effort, or the attainment of a certain level of expertise.
Children do not believe in meritocracy. A child believes — and the younger the child, the stronger the belief — in the "Me-tocracy."
To Robbie, it is of no consequence that Billy saw the ball first, runs faster, and therefore reached it first. Robbie thinks it's not fair that Billy has the ball. But then Billy thinks it's unfair that because Robbie made straight A's throughout the entire school year, his parents are taking him to Disney World. Billy slacked off during much of the school year. His parents are taking the family to visit the grandparents.
Unfortunately, many adults these days seem as confused as are children by the difference between fair and equal. That confusion explains adults giving every child on a baseball team an award. "And the Most Well-Oiled Glove Award goes to Bobby Bratski! Let's give him a big hand! Good job, Bobby!" Let's not admit, or let on to the kids, for Heaven's sake, that one child on the team might actually be the best player, or that some child's laziness actually helped the opposing teams.
The problem is that the attempt to treat all children in a certain group equally isn't fair at all. In this case, fair would be for adults to recognize that some children on the team did, in fact, make a greater contribution than others. The problem, of course, is that differential recognitions of that sort are thought to dim the glow of self-esteem. I am reminded of a story some parents recently told me about a family Christmas at the grandparents attended by six grandchildren. Grandma and Grandpa would give the same toy bulldozer to each grandchild (it helped that they were all male). They did this, they said with obvious pride, to be "fair." Nevertheless, within one hour of opening their identical presents wrapped identically, the grandchildren were fighting over who got the best of the six identical bulldozers and whose identical bulldozer was whose and so on.
Ironically, these foolish things that adults do only cause children difficulty in growing up, because essential to growing up is understanding that for the most part, the real world is in fact a rather fair place. One can only hope it remains that way.
