Posted on: Sunday, May 29, 2005

What's next for parents?

Advertiser Staff

June W.J. Ching, a licensed and board certified clinical psychologist in Honolulu and member of the Hawai'i Psychological Association, offers the following tips for parents on how to let go of their children to help them grow independent, while being there for them as necessary. Ching, who's also a parent, had one child leave for college on the East Coast and another move out to live on his own within six months:

• Feeling a sense of loss is normal. Keep in mind that feelings of sadness, emptiness, loss and separation anxiety that accompany a teen leaving home for the first time are perfectly normal. It is the psychological way of dealing with the transition and learning to let go.

• Letting go is a good thing. Don't see children leaving home as a terrible event. A parent's job is to give our children roots and wings. In raising your children, you have provided the roots of warmth, security and belongingness. Parents have also been preparing their children over the years by giving them graduated responsibility. Then we have to step away for them to grow in their independence, learn from the few mistakes they may make along the way and grow secure in their sense of confidence ... to guide instead of steer for them.

• Parenting is a lifelong process. Try not to view children leaving home as an irrevocable loss. Parents' involvement in their children's lives doesn't end after graduation, it is simply a change in your relationship with your child — an evolution. In fact, parenting is a job that lasts a lifetime.

• Talk to someone who can help. Connecting to parents who are one or two steps ahead of you and have "been there" helps.

• Set regular communication dates. This worked wonders for me when my daughter left home to attend college in New York. It provided me a specific time to look forward to each Sunday while giving her the space she needed without having her parents calling or e-mailing daily.

• Focus on developing a positive outlook. Having your child leave home for college, to live outside of the home on their own, or to relocate for a job, is acknowledgment to parents of a job well done. Seeing your child start down the path of successful adulthood can give parents a sense of joy and pride. Research shows that the parent/child relationship actually improves when children leave home. Having your children develop confidence in their own independence leads to a more mature relationship with you, their parents. You have all of this to look forward to.

• Refilled nests — Parents have a chance to revitalize their own marital relationship and refocus on siblings and friends. It's an opportunity to explore the possibility of going back to school, pursue a new job or return to interests that were put on the back burner when raising children.

• For more information or free referrals, call the Hawai'i Psychological Association at 521-8995.