Posted on: Tuesday, May 31, 2005

ABOUT WOMEN

By Christine Strobel
Advertiser Staff Writer

A good friend from college, who is getting divorced, called me the other day to drop a bomb.

"I need you to give me your best sales pitch for being single," she said.

I was one of her first calls, of course. Among friends, I'm known for being the durable single gal, the one not panicked at the prospect of a matrimony-free life.

But I've never been asked to be the single person's spokeswoman. How's the salary?

I started with the most obvious pitch: That you get to dance naked at midnight in your living room to a blasting stereo without anyone wandering in to say, "Honey, I'm trying to sleep."

But I knew she wanted a serious answer, so I fumbled around for one. It got me thinking: It's not as though we go through this world trying to be alone. We don't fall in love, taste its exquisite liquor and feel that dizzy happiness and say, "Please, no more of that."

Everybody who's not crazy wants to be in love and make that last.

So how do you pitch its opposite? If being in love is the best, doesn't it follow that being single is the worst?

Well, that hasn't been my experience.

And the problem with that equation is, people who fear "the worst" go to stupid lengths to make some junk relationship go the distance, long past its expiration date.

Assuming you are of relatively sound mind, being happy is something you can cultivate. But expecting to discover it in someone else, without doing any work on yourself, can be a recipe for disaster.

Or divorce.

So the right recipe is to do those things that make us happy — so when we find love, we can give of our happier selves, not use the person to plug our aching emptiness.

A recipe for happiness isn't some mythical concoction. It's taking the day to do something fun. It's having a laugh with a friend, or making new friends. It's taking a swim in an ocean of fish, or surfing for an hour before work. It's listening to live music or, better, dancing to it like no one's watching. It's helping someone who's struggling. It's telling your family you love them.

It's doing something similar the next day, and you measure these days out, one at a time, appreciating each for its gifts.

If that doesn't fill you up, set bigger goals. Write the Great American Novel. Volunteer. Learn a new language and then go to that country and use it. Paint a canvas or your apartment or your neighborhood.

Being plugged in to life is the best antidote for loneliness, whether you're married or single or somewhere in between. Is it as thrilling as love? No. But it's great if you measure quality of life by smiles and laughter. And it's a good way to spend your time until love comes along.

And should love fail, you get by with a little help from your friends. And a pitcher of margaritas.

Reach Christine Strobel at cstrobel@honoluluadvertiser.com.