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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, November 20, 2005

Boomers turning into meddlers

By JANIE MAGRUDER
Gannett News Service

COLLEGE YEARS: TIME TO CUT CORD

Every year of college brings a new bump in the road for most kids as they continue on the path to adulthood. Experts say it's healthier for parents to help their son or daughter deal with these challenges by supporting them, not rushing to their rescue or hovering over them. Here are some typical college problems and how parents should and shouldn't respond, from Helen E. Johnson, an education consultant and author:

FRESHMAN YEAR

Issue: Your student takes medication for attention deficit disorder, and you want campus health officials to be aware.

Appropriate action: Accompany your student to the health center and ask the staff to note the condition in his student file.

Helicopter-parent response: You give the health center's staff your telephone number and e-mail address and direct them to contact you if anything comes up.

Message to your child: You don't think he's capable.

Sophomore year

Issue: Your student is thinking about switching majors.

Appropriate action: Set aside your dreams of her becoming a doctor and encourage her to explore new things, offering to help if she needs it.

Helicopter-parent response: You go ballistic. She has always wanted to be a doctor, and it's too late to change now. You tell her to stick it out.

Message to your child: Your happiness is more important than hers.

Junior year

Issue: Your student has become a Republican, and your family is as blue as the Kennedys.

Appropriate action: Realize that he is becoming autonomous, and that's a good thing. Remember that he has the right to form his own identity and do not bring up politics at family reunions.

Helicopter-parent response: You tell him this is not what your family believes and you didn't raise him this way. You question and insult his newfound allegiance.

Message to your child: Mom and Dad know what's best, and he never will.

Senior year

Issue: Your student is panicky about the future and wants to move home.

Appropriate action: You advise her to visit the career center on campus and to speak with her adviser about internships and graduate school. You listen to her concerns.

Helicopter-parent response: You call her adviser and make contacts for her, and then say the one thing you never should: "It's OK, honey, you can always come home."

Message to your child: The easy way out is very easy, indeed.

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A mother in Salt Lake City flies to Cambridge, Mass., to argue with a Harvard University professor about her daughter's biology grade.

A father leaves the parent seminar at Saint Louis University to wake up his son, a college student, for a campus job interview.

A young woman at a college in the Northeast calls her dad in the South because it's snowing, and she wonders if classes will be canceled. He calls the school to find out.

These true stories illustrate the hyper-involvement of today's "helicopter parents," a term coined by university administrators to refer to those who hover over their young adult offspring and hinder their maturation. The mostly well-meaning baby boomers, raised to get their money's worth at any cost, are flexing their muscle around college administrators and pestering professors.

The meddling has become so acute that public universities are creating programs and hiring staff to deal with problem parents, something most private colleges have done for years.

"We live in a customer-service culture," says Jim Boyle, president of the Arlington, Va.-based College Parents of America, which lobbies Congress on financial matters on parents' behalf. "People expect to have their questions answered by institutions, whether it's the local department, the cable operator, or the school their son or daughter attends."

Universities are no strangers to overzealous parents.

Changes in transportation and technology, from cell phones — nicknamed "the world's longest umbilical cord" by one Georgia university administrator — to e-mail, give parents an almost split-second way to be involved.

Some helicopter parents even seek roommate changes for their kids — before their student has had the opportunity to meet the assigned roommate. Technology gets the blame for this, too: After getting their room assignments in early summer, many students check out their roommates on Face Book, an online social directory for high school and college kids. Parents catch wind of this and react from there, says Melissa Vito, dean of students at the University of Arizona.

Universities should use a firmer hand in insisting parents "let grow," not "let go," of their kids, says Helen E. Johnson, an author and parent-relations consultant to colleges and universities.

"My biggest pet peeve is the dean who says to the parents, 'Welcome to the family,' " she says. "There's no role for them to play in that family. It's like having your drunk uncle around at Thanksgiving: You can't tell him to go away, but you don't want him there, either."

Parents might not realize the damage they're doing to their kids by fighting their battles.

"These kids have never, almost ever, done anything on their own," Johnson says. "They have been surrounded by adult-supported, adult-scheduled, adult-originated activities all their lives, and to them, this is usual."

But it's not conducive to their becoming independent adults who make their own decisions, accept consequences and revel in their own successes. Hovering makes kids lazy, instills self-doubt and inhibits their ability to bounce back, Johnson says.

"If a child never learns how to be resilient, they'll have very little confidence in their ability to handle things," she says.

Parents should urge their children to resolve their own problems, offer suggestions for them to consider, and remind them of their love and support, Johnson says.

"Parents have to remain constant in their own approach — 'I will do whatever I can in this transition, but these are your decisions to make,' " she says.

Johnson says it is difficult to step back if a big part of a person's identity is being a mom or dad. "This is a loss of a role, but isn't it what we hope will happen? What have you been working for all these years? To get your child independent."

Boyle doesn't think universities have seen the worst of it.

"They need to seriously brace themselves for Gen X parents who don't have as rosy a view of their own educational experiences as baby boomers do, and their kids, who've grown up in a culture of measurement and accountability for schools," he says. "That same level of accountability will be asked of colleges and universities in the future. It will be a matter of doing business."