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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, October 9, 2005

Getting over that breakup not cheap

By TARA WEISS
Gannett News Service

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A few years back, Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, authors of a sex and relationship column for the online magazine www.nerve.com, wrote what is now a much-forwarded column titled "How to Get Over a Breakup."

It's a sappy yet self-empowering piece that includes advice such as "Take some time out for your own personal Bridget Jones moment ... take a night class, visit your local art museum, visit your mom."

There's also an item on the list that says: "Blow Your Budget. Because you're worth it. You can catch up on bills next month."

If you take that advice you may be catching up on expenses until your next breakup.

There's no question that breaking up can break your heart, but shopping sprees and other indulgences aimed at softening the emotional blow can break the bank, too.

Nicole Belton, 23, of Mamaroneck, N.Y., recently ended a relationship and needed some serious pampering. She went for two $300 spa sessions that include massages, paraffin wax treatments and a facial.

"You're comforting yourself," Belton says. "You're taking care of yourself, letting them soothe away all the tension and the grief."

That's not all, though.

"I go out with the girls and do some bonding," she says. "They're there to comfort you. They're a shoulder to cry on."

That's not cheap either — Belton estimates that each night out, they spend $150 on drinks and food. And she uses a lot of cell phone minutes to talk to family and friends about "all the drama." Her last bill was $128.

"I should have put the money for the spa package toward the phone," she says.

David Tanner, 41, of Purchase, N.Y., says he tries to do something constructive after a breakup.

"I try to evaluate and ask myself, 'What do I never do?' "

He wound up at the ballet after asking himself that, but found that it wasn't quite what he needed. So after a breakup eight years ago he flew to Monterey Bay, Calif., and learned how to scuba dive. He estimates that the three-day excursion was about $300, not including airfare.

Another time he took a trip to Canada.

"I thought, 'I'm getting out of the country!' — but I couldn't afford to go to Europe," he says.

Not every post-breakup indulgence has to be so expensive.

"I recommend that they can spend $100 on little things or one blowout item," says Delphine Hirsh, author of "The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Breakup." "You don't want to max yourself out on your credit card and now you're dealing with another crisis."

Lots of breakup survivors say a must-have is a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Sara Conlon, who was visiting friends in White Plains, N.Y., from New York City, is one of those people. Half Baked is her flavor of choice.

"They have made a lot of money off me," she says.

Ben & Jerry's introduced a limited line of "mood magic" flavors this spring, including one for the broken-hearted: chocolate therapy. It's chocolate cookies and swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream. At about $4 for a pint, it's quite cost-effective.

"Chocolate is obvious, it's long been known as the ultimate mood food," says Lucas Jenson, market research and consumer services manager at Ben & Jerry's. "We get letters from entire sororities, saying someone was having a breakup and they got Ben & Jerry's. They have a Ben & Jerry's breakup routine."

Writing in a journal is how Cindy Chupack, a writer on "Sex and the City" and author of "The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays," copes.

"For me, writing has always been therapy," Chupack says. "There's something about the ability to write about how you're feeling and look back on it, especially when you thought you'd never get through it."

If that fails, Chupack suggests exercise. When a relationship was winding down, Chupack went on a bike tour, run by the travel company Backroads, with friends in the Canadian Rockies that cost about $1,500.

"That kind of thing makes me feel better," Chupack says. "You're out with people, in beautiful scenery, and you've earned all the carbs you eat."

If that's not a financial option, there's always the simple luxury of going for a walk.

"A lot of people forget how taking a walk in nice weather alone is a very uplifting," Hirsh says. "It gets the serotonin working, and it's not super taxing. It puts life in perspective. You see things passing by and the majesty and timelessness of the world. And it's totally free. Taking a book or a CD player or reading or writing for few hours is really taking nice care of yourself. When you're in a relationship you don't get around to doing that."

Small projects enable you to take a break from constantly thinking about the breakup, says Cathryn Michon, who writes a relationship column on www.ivillage.com. She favors making glittery flip-flops.

"If you take beach flip-flops from Kmart and go to any bead store and get a hot glue gun for, like, $20 bucks you can walk out with the most gaudy shoes ever that look like something you would buy at a high-end store," she says. "Getting involved in some crazy craft project is the kind of thing you can so get perfectly lost in when you're nursing a broken heart."

She also recommends any kind of contest or game. For instance, she entered a cooking contest after a breakup, and says it was exactly what she needed to get her mind off her loss. Painting your home is another way to keep occupied and feel productive.

There's also volunteering. That will help put your situation in perspective.

Or clean your home, which is especially important in getting rid of your ex's belongings.

One thing many experts advise is never make a major change to your appearance directly following a rough breakup. It's a decision you'll likely regret. New York City stylist Sally Hershberger recommends women have their hair professionally blow-dried so they'll feel pampered and attractive, but will remain within their budget.

"In the end, the amount of money you spend is not proportional to how good or how quickly you feel better," Hirsh says. "It's really how you accept things, how you allow yourself to feel things, how you communicate with people who you feel are supportive. All of these things are free."