As every husband will tell you, it's a good idea to let your spouse vent every now and then about the things you do that irritate her.

It's preventive maintenance to ensure a long and happy relationship, like rotating your tires for maximum wear.

You don't want issues to fester — unless you have a very comfortable couch.

When summing up his failed marriage, a good friend explained that every marital infraction, misdemeanor and late-evening-without-a-warning-telephone call was recorded on an unseen ledger. Then, on the day his wife kicked him out of the house, she quoted what my friend called "the articles of indictment."

Mrs. G. maintained that isn't her style.

"I don't do that," she said resolutely. "When I'm upset, you hear about it."

Well, I couldn't argue with that one.

Still, I'm fairly certain that I don't give Mrs. G. enough opportunities to kvetch.

So I asked her to submit a list of current gripes. The response wasn't what I expected.

She said no.

"I'll sound like I'm a whiner," she said.

"No, that's what I get to do here on behalf of all suffering husbands," I countered.

It took two days, but I wore her down.

She offered two complaints — and they weren't even new ones.

"You're a pack rat who keeps collecting junk off the street," she said. "And you don't know the first thing about romance."

She had me there, no question.

But in venting, Mrs. G. revealed a basic difference between husbands and wives.

It's not enough to let your bride vent. You have to listen to her, too.

And guys, check this out: You're not supposed to do anything but smile.

"You're fixing it by listening, not by doing," she said. "You can offer sympathy and understanding and share a similar experience but not fix it or dominate the conversation."

For a moment there, it almost seemed easy.

Men like a hands-on approach to problem-solving, when all women apparently want is for someone to nod and occasionally say: "How awful."

"That's why we chat with a network of girlfriends all the time," Mrs. G. said. "They listen and they don't try to solve the problem."

I wasn't sure where that left me. Should I clear out the garage? Buy roses on the way home?

"Hmmm," I said aloud to no one in particular. "How awful."

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com.