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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, January 2, 2006

Wishful resolutions for 2006

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

Now that a new year has dawned, people all across the sports world, like folks everywhere, are trying to take to heart their New Year's resolutions and ensure a better 2006.

Maybe even some names you recognize. People like:

  • Riley Wallace, University of Hawai'i men's basketball coach: "To no longer use that Shaquille O'Neal free throw video as the official teaching aid."

  • Terrell Owens. "Resolutions? What do I need to change, except my agent?"

  • Herman Frazier, UH athletic director. "With eight months to go until the season opener, I'm gonna work the phones and Rolodex like mad to fill those last two openings on the football schedule with some quality opponents."

  • Mercury Morris and the 1972 Miami Dolphins. "The next time some team starts to threaten our unbeaten mark, we won't resort to sticking pins in voodoo dolls and wishing bad luck on them. Unless they get really close, of course."

  • Houston Texans. "We're gonna find a way to get our quarterback, David Carr, some protection or invest in a bigger life insurance policy for his next of kin."

  • The American Basketball Association. "The next time somebody wants a franchise for Hawai'i, we're going to make sure they at least buy uniforms and can afford a Gatorade jug before we give them a team."

  • Kellen Winslow II. "The next time I get the urge to drive something that isn't a car or truck, I make sure it has training wheels."

  • Pat Hill, Fresno State football coach. "Before I get us all fired up about competing in the Bowl Championship Series, I take care of business in the Western Athletic Conference first."

  • KKEA Radio. "We bring back Dan Patrick in the mid-morning time slot and Scott Robbs for the afternoon show."

  • Fred Funk, golfer. "This year I'll leave the wearing of dresses to Michelle Wie."

  • Kenny Rogers. "To smile for the cameraman. And, not after I go after him."

  • The Western Athletic Conference. "To have a replay system in place this football season."

  • Florida Marlins. "To have at least one player on the opening day roster that our fans have actually heard of."

  • Colt Brennan. "Find a way to keep my breakfast down. Unless it helps me throw a touchdown, of course."

  • Tiger Woods. "To one of these days play the Sony Open in Hawai'i. Heck, just play in Hawai'i in 2006. And, I almost forget, to stick around to the end of the PGA Championship."

  • Ron Artest. "I'm tired of my teammates telling me to get a clue about how I act and what I say. How about if I just get some new teammates?"

    Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8044.