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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, July 9, 2006

From grief to 'a hope and a future'

By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer

Barbara Varner and Perry Looney were married on June 10, 2000.

Family photos

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There's a scripture verse from the Book of Jeremiah that has long stuck with Barbara Varner:

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your good and not for evil, to give you a hope and a future."

It's a verse that has come to define her life since her husband died of a heart attack in 1999. He was just 60.

"When that happened, that (verse) was foremost in my mind," said Varner, 66 and retired in Dixon, Calif. "I knew God had closed the door for a reason, but I didn't know why. But I know when one door is closed, another will open."

Except Varner didn't expect that the door to a second marriage would open — and so soon.

Varner first got married right out of high school in Bakersfield, Calif., to Clarence Grisham in 1959. They had four sons.

The same year they wed, Grisham's cousin, Perry Looney, married his sweetheart, Jeanette. Together they had two children.

The two couples were very close. At one point, both cousins worked together at the University of California Davis.

Then one evening in 1999, Grisham sat up on the side of the bed, complaining about chest pains. The pain, he said, was getting worse and worse.

Worried, Varner told her husband she would drive him to the hospital.

But while he was getting dressed, Grisham collapsed on the bedroom floor. Varner tried desperately to revive him using CPR. But he never regained consciousness. He died that night.

"I was so stunned for so long," said Varner, whose younger brother had died the year before. "I was in awe of the whole thing."

Looney and his wife attended Grisham's funeral in Bakersfield.

Four days later, while visiting Looney's in-laws in Northern California, a car ran a stop sign and slammed into them. Looney's wife, Jeanette, died instantly.

"It was just devastating," Varner said. "You just walk around in a fog. I don't know how to describe it now. I was so stunned."

After a few weeks, the two surviving spouses started talking on the phone. The companionship and shared grieving were comforting.

Then something unexpected happened: The two friends began falling in love.

"We really felt the Lord wanted us together for a reason," Varner said. "We had this feeling that at our age, life is short and death is sudden."

She thought back to the scripture verse that had helped get through life's uncertain times. One line stuck out: "Plans ... to give you hope and a future."

They talked and prayed about these new feelings. And within a few months they decided they were meant to live out the rest of their lives together.

"It was soon, but it was such a firm conviction that this was something we were supposed to do," Varner said.

Both had been so happily married for 40 years that they knew they wanted that same kind of relationship again.

"That's why we were so willing to take the plunge," Varner said.

After talking with their families and friends — most of whom were unconditionally supportive — the couple began planning their wedding.

Not once did Varner doubt her decision to remarry.

"I had known him so long," Varner said. "I knew what he stood for, knew his values, knew his moral stance on things ... And I knew he was a faithful husband."

Varner and Looney were married on June 10, 2000, at Arcade Baptist Church in Sacramento. About 150 people attended the ceremony and reception.

Right after the wedding, Varner moved into the Dixon home Looney had shared with his late wife. Living there never bothered Varner. In fact, they both know that their late spouses will always remain part of their lives.

Some of Grisham's tools are in their garage; Varner uses the cookbooks that belonged to Looney's late wife. They now share children and grandchildren. And they both talk openly — and often — about their late spouses.

"You never stop loving your spouse, never," Varner said. "It's like when you have children. You love every single one of them no matter what. You don't love them any less."

This marriage, though, is different than both their firsts.

Now retired, Varner and Looney spend about six months a year volunteering in various parts of the world.

This year they spent two months on O'ahu, volunteering at the University Avenue Baptist Church. Looney installed lighting, while Varner updated the church's member directory.

They've volunteered at inner-city churches, at youth camps and with disaster-relief efforts.

Now they're looking for volunteer opportunities in Australia and Samoa.

"We go wherever there's a greater need," Varner said. "And it gives us a chance to meet some really wonderful people all over the world. That, in itself, is a really great thing."

When they're not volunteering, Varner and Looney love to go on cruises, take day trips to Napa Valley, play cards with their friends, go to antique and art festivals, try new restaurants and travel cross-country in their motor home.

Life these days, like their new marriage, has become something unexpected.

"My whole life is upside down," Varner said with a laugh. "When you're first widowed, you're very unstable, unsure of yourself. ... Sometimes you start to live in the past, even when there is no past that you can grab on to anymore. But you have to look at the future. ... There's hope there."

Reach Catherine E. Toth at ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com.