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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, June 18, 2006

COMMENTARY
Being a good father is not an easy job

By Ruben Navarrette

This seems like a good day to get something off my chest: Fatherhood is harder than I thought it'd be.

This is my second Father's Day where I've worn the title. But the first one didn't stir as many emotions in me as this one has. Last year, my daughter was only 6 months old, and I was just happy — at 38 — to finally be a dad. I don't remember thinking much at the time about all that a dad does, or at least should do, for his children. Now, it seems, that's all I think about.

A black friend is fond of saying that in his community, mothers love their sons but they raise their daughters. The idea is that black women — who are often indispensable to their families — take seriously the responsibility of rearing future generations of black women.

In the Hispanic community, it's a little different. The saying might go like this: Hispanic mothers love their children, but Hispanic fathers raise them. Machismo gets a bad rap. But the culture puts a high premium on manhood and maintains rigid notions of how you define it.

I figured out the basics right away. Call me old-fashioned. But I still believe that, even in this modern age where the norm is households with two working parents, it is a man's responsibility to provide financially for his family.

These days, that's no small task. It's not just that the cost of living is climbing. It's also that everywhere you look, there are additional pressures.

Such as the pressure to bring home two incomes. My wife and I must know at least a half-dozen couples where the wives — some with graduate degrees and substantial earning power — say that they would love to be stay-at-home moms, but that they feel trapped by family finances.

Supporting a family is only part of the story. It's the other things you're supposed to provide your children that can be the most challenging.

Such as providing an example. The research bears it out: When it comes to shaping our children's behavior, what we do and who we are mean a lot more than what we say. For instance, if you drop out of high school, statistics show that your children will be much more likely to do the same.

Or providing rules. Studies show that the most effective deterrent to teenage sex or drug use is the disapproval of your parents. And it's fathers who often set the terms of what will or won't be tolerated.

Or providing punishment when the rules are broken. For better or worse, fathers often end up being the family disciplinarian. After all, when was the last time you heard someone threaten: "Just wait until your mother gets home"?

Or providing them the encouragement to pursue their dreams without giving false hope and fueling unrealistic expectations. A lot of fathers in my generation seem inclined to praise everything their kids do, perhaps because they don't feel as if they got enough stroking when they were growing up.

That's the trap I worry about — that and being too soft on discipline. My daughter is still a toddler, but she's already figured out that daddy is a pushover.

But shouldn't I err on the side of giving too much praise rather than too little? Not really, says psychologist Jean Twenge, the author of the book, "Generation Me." During an interview, I mentioned that I worried more about withholding my approval from my daughter than showering her with it. That's a mistake, Twenge said, and it's one that a lot of parents make. The key, she said, is to find the right balance and not go overboard in either direction.

Lucky for me, I have a good role model in that department. My father always bragged about his three kids and praised our accomplishments, but he never lowered the bar or tried to convince us that a "B" was just as good as an "A" or that junior college was the equivalent of the Ivy League. He and my mother taught us to pursue our dreams but not to be lulled into thinking they would come easily. Yet selling ourselves short was not acceptable.

As I said, being a good dad is a tough job. But I've seen it done.

Ruben Navarrette Jr. is a columnist and editorial board member of The San Diego Union Tribune and the author of "A Darker Shade of Crimson: Odyssey of a Harvard Chicano." Reach him at ruben.navarrette@uniontrib.com.