WARRIORS

FOOTBALL PROGRAM NEEDS LUCK, THEN FANS

It has become somewhat fashionable to knock the UH football program. Ticket sales are down, and fans have criticized everything, including nicknames, uniforms, no "Hawaii Five-O," the mascot, etc. It is no longer "in" to be a fan who attends games.

We have been attending since June Jones became head coach and intend to keep on attending. However, there were a few things that bothered us, and, in frustration, we wrote a letter to John McNamara, UH associate athletic director. We were pleasantly surprised to hear from him almost immediately with an offer to help us. It was very clear that the UH athletic department is going out of its way to try to retain its fans.

With the talent on the 2006 team, what the football program really needs right now is to get lucky. Slow starts in the last couple of years left a lot of fans disenchanted. If this team is able to stay healthy, winning will return and so will the fans. With season ticket sales down, it might be a good time to grab the better seats while they are available.

With just a little luck ... who knows?

KAMEHAMEHA

WILL DOESN'T SPECIFY FOR HAWAIIANS ONLY

In his June 24 letter, Ron Rhetrick says that "Princess Pauahi Bishop created a will ... that established Kamehameha Schools for Hawaiian boys and girls."

He should read the will. It actually says "to erect and maintain in the Hawaiian Islands two schools, each for boarding and day scholars, one for boys and one for girls, to be known as, and called the Kamehameha Schools."

Does that say Hawaiian children?

Later the will says: "I direct my trustees to invest the remainder of my estate in such manner as they may think best, and to expend the annual income in the maintenance of said schools; meaning thereby the salaries of teachers, the repairing of buildings and other incidental expenses; and to devote a portion of each year's income to the support and education of orphans, and others in indigent circumstances, giving the preference to Hawaiians of pure or part aboriginal blood; the proportion in which said annual income is to be divided among the various objects above mentioned to be determined solely by my said trustees they to have full discretion."

Does that say that Kamehameha Schools is for Hawaiian boys and girls?

The will also says: "I also direct that the teachers of said schools shall forever be persons of the Protestant religion, but I do not intend that the choice should be restricted to persons of any particular sect of Protestants."

Are they?

RAIL LINE

DON'T FORGET GRAFFITI

The renderings of the proposed rail line published in The Honolulu Advertiser on June 23 are missing something. Don't forget that if such a thing is actually built, it will be covered in graffiti.

SAVE BILLIONS

RUBE GOLDBERG'S 'RAIL'

Let's reserve one lane of the H-1 between Kapolei and Waikiki for "rail." Next, buy 15 or 20 more large buses. Paint the word "RAIL" on the side of each bus and start running them on the reserved lane. Build some station turn-offs along the way with park-and-ride lots nearby. Next, see if anyone rides this "rail" system. This Rube Goldberg trial rail system could save us a cool $3 billion.

MASS TRANSIT

HONOLULU HAS TO END ITS INSANITY FLIRTATION

And the beat goes on! It truly amazes me that the administration of this city cannot operate an efficient bus system, yet thinks it will be able to operate a railroad ... at a cost of $3 billion and counting.

The mayor and others seem to think $3 billion of our money is chump change. Anyone who knows anything about these kinds of construction projects knows that by the time it is finished, the cost will have doubled or tripled. Our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and descendants will be paying the bill into the next millennium.

The design of a portion of the system rising 60 feet over H-1 must have been the result of someone's fevered dream. Aside from the insult to the eye, just what happens when a train stalls on that portion. Or worse yet, goes over the side? And a subway, yet?

I have to give the people at Parsons Brinckerhoff credit for proposing to build a roller-coaster on an island prone to hurricanes, tsunamis and earth movements. Of course, it may increase the number of riders by marketing it as a thrill ride.

And the mayor thinks it's "prudent."

NORTHWESTERN ISLES

AHA! THERE HAD TO BE REASON FOR MONUMENT

A national monument? What a guy! But I kept wondering why President Bush would actually follow up on President Clinton's strong initiatives to preserve and protect the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands.

Conventional wisdom has it that he's pleasing the reef-hugging environmentalists without offending developers, so it's a win-win situation. But that explanation doesn't wash with me. It's not enough.

Then a friend put it, "Isn't it amazing what low approval ratings can do for the environment." She was getting warm. But still not enough.

Then I figured it out.

Imagine 140,000 square miles in the middle of nowhere, closed off to all of those without "authorized access." I think that means anyone but Bill O'Reilly.

Sounds like an ideal spot for "extraordinary rendition." Why go to Egypt, Jordan and former Soviet countries (where somebody might see us) to torture our disappeared and forsaken prisoners?

How about "Guantanamo West"? Admit it: Cuba's too accessible. Try getting to the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands. Then try getting access to the "monument."

If a couple of Guantanamo West inmates decide to engage in "asymmetrical warfare" against the U.S. by committing suicide, no one will ever know.

When you scream in the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands, no one can hear you. Except for the boobies. And the boobies don't care.

JAPAN

EDITORIAL ON WHALING WRONG ON TWO COUNTS

We believe the June 23 editorial "Whaling ban should become permanent" has gravely misled the readers of The Advertiser about Japan's whaling, particularly on two points.

First, you improperly accuse Japan of harvesting whales under a fig-leaf loophole that allows the killing of the animals for "scientific purposes."

Japan's whaling is strictly confined to such species as Minke whales, which are abundant, as sanctioned by the International Whaling Commission and is essential to collecting necessary scientific data helping to formulate a proper methodology of conserving whales and other ocean species.

In addition, the byproducts of the research whaling are treated strictly in accordance with the obligation under Article 8 of the IWC Convention, which stipulates "any whale taken under special permits shall so far as practicably be processed."

Next comes your erroneous allegation of Japan rounding up votes on the IWC. This is totally groundless and unbecoming to an opinion of such a quality paper as The Advertiser. Japan is not such an unfair country. As one of the world's top donor countries, Japan has never, never bought nations with foreign aid.

TICKET ON WINDSHIELD? IT MAY JUST BE UNWANTED FLIER

About a week ago, I went out for dinner with my family on my mom's birthday. We ate at a restaurant in Kaimuki and I parked in the metered parking in back. I dug through my wallet and various crevices of my car but only came up with three quarters and a dime or two — which in Kaimuki buys you about an hour to an hour and a half of parking. I didn't want to be late and try to get change, so I went to dinner with my meter time limited.

Dinner was great and I headed back to my car. From across the parking lot I could see a long white paper stuck underneath my windshield wiper. Shoot! I totally got a ticket! The last time I got one it was $30, so this one's at least that much ... if not more.

A doom-cloud began to form over my head and my attitude instantly went sour. I arrived at my car and whipped the white slip from my car. With a mean stink-eye, I read it only to find out that it's a page of coupons for the dry cleaners down the street. Those guys! Here I thought I had to shell out $30 that I don't have when it turns out to be just a flier. I safely made it home and forgot about the nuisance.

Today, I finished some errands and decided to hit the surf in Kailua in the afternoon. I was driving past Buzz's Steakhouse and saw the usual line of cars parked along the road on the opposite side because the beach parking lot was filled up. Then I noticed thin, long notices stuck on everyone's windshield. No, they couldn't have given tickets to all these cars, could they?

When I got to the boat ramps, I was lucky enough to score a parking space. I looked over and the car parked next to me also had a notice stuck on his windshield. Then I looked closely and it was a coupon page for a pizza place.

This has got to be the lowest form of advertisement ever. These businesses are almost giving people heart attacks because they think they've parked illegally and now have a fine to pay.

So if you see something that looks like a ticket on your car, don't instantly freak out. It may be one of these lookalikes. As long as you're not weaseling into a handicapped stall or your meter is blinking red, you have nothing to worry about.