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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, March 6, 2006

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen ' ... and Felicity'

 •  Oscar's golden idols

USA Today

Jon Stewart hosted the 78th Annual Academy Awards last night.

LEONARD ORITZ | Knight Ridder News Service

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Jon Stewart may be a fake news anchor, but he inspired real laughs as the Academy Awards' host last night. Among Stewart's lines:

"Thank you all very much. I'm so excited to be here. Ladies, gentlemen ... Felicity."

"The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year where you could see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well. This is the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner. No, it's good enjoy. Enjoy your votes!"

"The theme of the award show tonight is a return to glamour. And thank goodness, because for too long Hollywood has done without. Definitely this is an improvement over last year's theme: Night of a Thousand Sweat Pants."

"It hasn't been the best year for Hollywood. The box office was a little bit down. And piracy continues to be a problem. So let me just say if there's anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy, don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts!"

"There are a lot of really big stars here tonight. It's really exciting. We've got the man, Mr. George Clooney, triple nominee. Two of the nominations for 'Good Night, and Good Luck,' which is not just Edward R. Murrow's sign-off, it's also how Mr. Clooney ends all his dates."

" 'Capote' addressed very similar themes to 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' Both films are about determined journalists, defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces."

"Steven Spielberg is here. ... A best-director nomination for 'Munich,' a tremendous film, and I congratulate you, sir. From the man who also gave us 'Schindler's List.' 'Schindler's List' and 'Munich.' I think I speak for all Jews when I say I can't wait to see what happens to us next. Trilogy!"

"Charlize Theron is nominated for 'North Country,' a tremendous performance. She plays a woman who is constantly judged on her looks and paid less than her male co-workers. It must be wonderful to be done with that and back in Hollywood."

  • "I have to say congratulations to 'The Chronicles of Narnia' (the Oscar winner for makeup). I'm a little surprised 'Cinderella Man' didn't win that category. I just think, you know, imagine the difficulty in making Russell Crowe look like he got into a fight. ... I'm going to be pummeled later this evening, aren't I?"