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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Friday, March 24, 2006

NFL has plenty to consider

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

When National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced this week that he will retire effective at the end of July, the search was suddenly on to find a replacement for one of sport's most successful leaders.

Even Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's name was floating around for a while. And while there have been some good names tossed around Atlanta Falcons general manager Rich McKay for one there have also been a lot of the usual suspects: other NFL officials, TV executives, etc.

After 16 years of the accomplished but dry Tagliabue, here's an opportunity for the NFL to put some charisma in the commissioner's chair. Some oomph in the head office.

Who knows, maybe even somebody like:

Vince Young. There's no Wonderlic test for the commish's job.

Pinocchio. Sure to be the owners' idea of a great commissioner.

Bud Selig. Here's the NFL's chance to have a World Football Classic. And, something we can win.

Bill Parcells. With Terrell Owens in Big D, you know the Tuna is gonna want out sooner or later.

Billy Packer. Would rid the NFL of low-majors like Arizona, Houston and Detroit.

Bode Miller. Think of the swell commissioner's parties he'd throw at the Super Bowl and our own Pro Bowl.

Janet Jones Gretzky. Brings a familiarity with point spreads.

Alfonso Soriano. Not all that crazy about the job he has now.

Barry Bonds. They wouldn't dare test the commish for drugs, would they?

Larry Brown. About time for him to change jobs again.

Dick Cheney. Orange vests would be mandatory at all league meetings.

Emeril Lagasse. Will bam! take the front office up a notch. The league's training tables won't be the same, either.

Roy Williams. Is there crying in football?

Riley Wallace. In another year he will have plenty of time on his hands. And, has there ever been a coat-throwing, foot-stompin' commish?

Carlos Boozer. Needs a new place anyway after letting Prince have his old one.

Pete Rose. Hasn't been banned from football, yet.

Joe Montana. Maybe the NFL will be able to pay Montana enough to show up for this gig.

Super Bowl XL officiating crew. At least it gets them off the field.

Donovan McNabb's Mom. Soup for everybody but T.O.

Jerome Bettis. A parking spot for "The Bus" on Park Avenue.

Andrei Kirilenko. Apparently a formidable negotiator based upon the "deal" he struck with his wife.

Keyshawn Johnson. Now that he has been replaced by T.O. in Dallas, you can imagine his literary sequel: "Just Give Me the Damn League."

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8044.