MIAMI — A burly bundle of nerves: Atlanta Falcons player Esera Tuaolo, in Miami for Super Bowl XXXIII.

It wasn't the January 1999 game that petrified Tuaolo. It was fear of being outed as gay.

"The size of the fishbowl in Miami heightened the extreme paranoia I already felt as a closeted man playing in the NFL," writes Tuaolo, 37, in his new book, Alone in the Trenches: My Life As a Gay Man in the NFL.

Tuaolo, who retired in 2000 after a decade in pro football, spares nothing. He writes about being sexually molested as a small child by an uncle; his gay brother's death from AIDS; and singing the National Anthem at televised football games and being afraid to look at the camera or crowd — terrified that he'd be recognized and outed by men he had had sex with.

"He's so honest. He's not worried about his dignity in describing the hard times of growing up," said former pro baseball player Billy Bean of Miami Beach, who wrote his own coming-out book a few years ago.

Tuaolo, who was born on O'ahu, is of Samoan descent. He also played for the Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers. He is now pursuing an acting and singing career.

The Miami Herald spoke with Tuaolo by phone during a recent stop on his book tour in Atlanta.

Q: Why did you come out of the closet?

A: The reason why we came out was because of our children. . . . Partner Mitchell Wherley and I could have lived our lives in the closet. When you become parents, it's not about you anymore. It's about creating a better world for them. We felt we couldn't do that in the closet.

One of us would be daddy, the other would be uncle. We were tired of hiding. When we would see someone in the supermarket, Mitchell would jump to the next aisle. We wanted what a lot of my straight friends take for granted — that when we walk down the street together, everyone knows we are family.

Tuaolo and Wherley, who live in Minneapolis, have two adopted children, Mitchell Jr. and Michelle. They're twins. They're 5 years old and big as 8-year-olds. They'll definitely be athletes.

Q: Did you always want kids?

A: I'm the youngest of eight children in my family. I have 18 nieces and nephews and changed every diaper. I've always had a sense of family and always wanted to have a family. That negative part of growing up as a gay male — society used to say that we weren't supposed to have children.

Q: When did you know you are gay?

A: I knew I was born this way. At such an early stage in my life I saw the hatred and rage that being who I was caused people. I saw my friends teasing this kid and picking on him and beating him up. They told me he was gay, a fag. He liked to play with his sister's dolls. I saw a lot of me. I liked to play with dolls. I wanted an Easy-Bake Oven.

I threw that little kid in the closet. I didn't want anyone to see him. Throughout my whole life he'd been there. But whenever there was any discussion about homosexuality it was negative.

One of the things about coming out and feeling the freedom, I was able to go back and take that little kid out of the closet. Writing this book, I was able to say I'm sorry to that little kid.