Sometimes I wonder whether parents understand the concept of robbing Peter to pay Paul; that taking the easy way out of a parenting situation today can come back to haunt you tomorrow.

That came to mind as I read a question recently submitted by the mother of a 3-year-old who wakes up screaming several times a night, wanting Mommy to sleep with her. She often comes into her parents' room, disrupting the entire family because that is where her infant sibling sleeps, occupying the coveted place that was hers until she was 2.

In both cases, the child sleeps/slept in the parents' bed because, Mom says, it is/was easier for her to nurse under those circumstances. Mom says she and her husband are both sleep-deprived and often react angrily to the daughter's nightly uproar. They realize that's not making matters any better, however, and report that in their more rational states of mind, they promise their daughter various goodies if she'll just let them get a good night's sleep. Needless to say, their daughter does not appreciate their generosity.

Proponents of co-sleeping claim it assists with bonding and attachment and other such nonsense, when no study done by an objective party has found any benefit.

Even the limp-wristed American Pediatric Society has come out against it.

The fact is that children who co-sleep fail to learn how to put themselves to sleep, just as children who use pacifiers fail to learn how to comfort themselves. Problems of the very sort described by this nursing mother are typical when parents try to move a co-sleeping child into his or her own bed. In other words, having a child in bed with you during infancy and early toddlerhood may "solve" (avoid) the bedtime hassles associated with the age, but co-sleeping often leads to intractable sleep problems just as pacifiers often lead to tantrums.

The second, but equally important, issue is boundaries. Discipline is leadership, not punishment-ship or consequence-ship, and effective leadership demands a boundary between the leader and the led. In the case of the parent-child/leader-led equation, the boundary should be permeable, but the parent absolutely must control when and how often the child is allowed through the boundary.

The sanctity of the marital bed is the First Boundary. When it does not exist, establishing any other boundaries will be nigh unto impossible.

I recommended to Mom that she move the infant out of the marital bed. Mom and Dad need to sit her down and inform her that her doctor found out that her brother was sleeping in their bed, and ...

"He told us that no child can sleep in our bed. He also told us that you must not get up in the night crying because we can't get in bed with you, either. You have to stay in your bed all night long, just like other children do. To help you remember, we're putting a gate in your doorway. If you wake up at night, you can turn on a light and play in your room, but your doctor says you must be very quiet so that Mommy and Daddy don't wake up."

Why blame it on the doctor? Because the child recognizes and will comply readily with the doctor's authority until the parents' have their leadership feet on solid ground.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.