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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, January 29, 2007

Support group brings survivors hope

By Elliott Minor
Associated Press

Deborah and David Tainsh of Georgia hold a photo of their son, Army Sgt. Patrick Tainsh, 33, who was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. The couple endured terrible pain until they found understanding in a support group, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. Now they mentor other mourning families.

ELLIOTT MINOR | Associated Press

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COLUMBUS, Ga. — David Tainsh, a tough retired Marine sergeant major, prayed for the safe return of his only son from Iraq, but when two grim-faced Army officers arrived at his house early one morning, he expected the worst.

His son, Sgt. Patrick Tainsh, 33, a scout with the 2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment, had been killed by a roadside bomb while patrolling near the Baghdad Airport.

Since getting the news of Patrick's death in February 2004, Tainsh and his wife, Deborah, have been on a journey that has included a year of pain, frustration and hopelessness.

"When your husband looks at you and says, 'I don't have a reason to go on living,' you feel shut out," said Deborah Tainsh, 52, Patrick's stepmom.

A military casualty assistance officer helps families following such a death, and free grief counseling is offered. But the breakthrough for the Tainshes came when they found the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, also known as TAPS, which is a support group for all who have lost loved ones serving in the military.

Through TAPS, they found others who had experienced losses. As they recovered, the Tainshes attended classes and became peer-mentors to assist others. "You have blood families and soul families. TAPS puts us together at the soul," said Deborah Tainsh, who has written a book, "Heart of a Hawk," to honor her son and has pledged all the proceeds to TAPS.

During a visit to nearby Fort Benning this month, President Bush had a tearful meeting with the Tainshes and 24 other military families who had lost loved ones.

Tainsh acknowledges that some parents blame Bush for their loss, but the parents who met the president at Fort Benning — where many of the soldiers who fight in Iraq and Afghanistan are trained — were supportive and wanted him to make sure their loved ones didn't die in vain.

She said she handed 100 e-mails expressing support for the president to a Secret Service agent, and a tearful Bush wrote, "Patrick, thank you for your courage. I promise not to let you down," on the back of Patrick's last letter — one that would be delivered to his parents only if he were killed.

His death left a hole in their soul, they said.

"I felt that there was no reason to exist anymore," said David Tainsh, 62. "This was my bloodline. Now I had nothing."

After the funeral, their grief became overwhelming and threatened to unravel their marriage, and old friends seemed to shun them.

"The rest of the world can continue talking about their children," the father noted. "We have nothing to talk about but what was and what could have been."

They learned of TAPS in 2005 through a television ad and attended the group's annual Survivor Seminar and grief camp for children, held each Memorial Day weekend in Washington. There, they connected with others who had suffered similar losses.

"That's when we had our biggest emotional turnaround," Deborah Tainsh said. "Civilians don't understand. They don't know what to say."

Her husband talked to a grieving father from Texas and eventually both men felt better.

"When you're with a TAPS family and they say, 'I know how you feel,' they do," David Tainsh said.

TAPS was founded by Bonnie Carroll of Anchorage, Alaska, a military wife who lost her husband, Brig. Gen. Tom Carroll, in the 1992 crash of an Army plane. The organization has served about 10,000 survivors, including relatives of the more than 3,000 Americans who have died in Iraq.

"For every death, there are on average 10 people who are profoundly affected — parents, brothers, sisters, children, ex-wives," Carroll said.

Brad Snyder, a specialist on military survivor benefits, said no other organization provides the emotional support available through TAPS. During his 41-year career, he headed the Army and Air Force Mutual Aid Association and then the Armed Forces Services Corp., two major military support organizations.

"I think it was long overdue," Snyder said about emotional support that TAPS provides. "They meet the needs of the ... grieving and the ability to continue life in a meaningful manner."

TAPS has support programs on grief, trauma and suicide, and offers online discussions facilitated by moderators and professionals.

"It just forever changes lives," Carroll said about each war death. "It leaves a hole in the heart that is sometimes never filled. But connecting with others is a tremendous comfort."