It might have gotten some free equipment in exchange for allowing the television coverage, but the city's Ocean Safety Division didn't get any real gifts. And it certainly didn't get any favors.

A new "reality" series shot in Hawai'i mixes real footage of lifeguards doing their usual duties with jazzed-up voice-over descriptions. "Beach Patrol: Honolulu" portrays every case of swallowed water, every reef scrape and every kid who floats too close to the breakwater as a terrifying brush with death.

" ... Watch as a day in the water goes horribly wrong for one snorkler," a promo for the show goes. "Then, a massive jellyfish infestation has lifeguards taking drastic action. And when two surf instructors ride a wave of anger, will tempers erupt?"

Turns out the "horribly wrong" incident is when an obese lady sucks water and vomits into a snorkel mask. "She's fading fast" the urgent-sounding narrator says as the crew calmly loads her into the waiting ambulance. "It's critical," the narrator warns, though clearly it is not. She's awake and chatting and nobody looks too worried.

The "massive jellyfish infestation" has the lifeguards taking the "drastic action" of closing the beach at Hanauma Bay ... just as they do almost every month. But the writers of this show would have the audience believe it was a replay of Amity Island on the Fourth of July in "Jaws."

And the scene of surf instructors beefing looks like a plant provoking a Waikiki hothead for the benefit of the cameras.

The half-hour episodes are just one wana poke, one reef rash, one missing child who isn't really missing after another, all described in the most dire terms.

The creators of "Beach Patrol: Honolulu," which is airing at various times this month on Court TV, may have realized at some point that, thankfully, nothing too extreme happens on an average day at the beach, but they were bound and determined not to let that get in the way of telling an exciting tale of near-disaster for beachgoers. It's not exactly fiction, but it's exaggerated, hyped, over-the-top to the point of being laughable. It makes the real work of the Ocean Safety personnel seem trivial and small.

But that's certainly not the fault of any of the City Water Safety personnel interviewed for the series. The lifeguards come off as earnest and don't exaggerate for drama's sake.

As bad as "Maui Fever" or worse? Nah, same thing: exploiting Hawai'i for entertainment and profit. Don't bother watching unless you want to get mad at the producers and can handle feeling sorry for the good folks who got stuck playing nice with this unreal reality show.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.