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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, June 25, 2007

Indecision not always a problem

By Jessica Yadegaran
Contra Costa (Calif.) Times

Arash Sinovar has plenty of confidence, and a healthy childhood to boot. But when it came time to choose between two job offers, he was stuck. Boston or San Francisco? Small firm or large? Long-distance relationship or not? It got so bad that he couldn't sleep.

"My parents were trying to help, my friends, everyone," says Sinovar, of Berkeley, Calif. "I put it off until both firms told me I had 24 hours to make a decision. There was so much pressure."

Some people find big decision-making so stressful, it interferes with their work and relationships. Then, the inability to make decisions becomes a problem. And you're left to decide how to deal with that.

"Some people just like keeping their options open," says Orinda, Calif., psychologist Karen Hobbs. "Others like to have a high degree of confidence and make and measure the right decision. Still others love closure. It's just a temperamental style difference."

If possible, eliminating urgency or panic can aid in making a decision, says Patricia Padgett, a Walnut Creek, Calif., marriage and family therapist. Try this: Imagine each worst-case scenario and decide what you'd do if it happened.

"For instance, 'If I get to this university and don't like it, I could do a mid-semester transfer,' " Padgett explains.

Think of a group heading out to dinner, caught in the circular "Where do you want to go?" "I don't care, where do you want to go?" conversation.

"I'll think about it before and figure out barbecue, that's what I want," says Ben Klesow, of Concord, Calif. But his wife? Not so much, he says.

"Women tend to want to accommodate," Padgett explains. "It's both a strength and a weakness. Women are more collaborative, men are hierarchical. That's why a man won't tell another man he's depressed, because he'll lose status. But that's the first thing a woman's going to tell another woman, so they can bond."

Despite friends who get on your case about making a decision "this century," indecisiveness can be a positive trait.

"People who are comfortable leaving their decisions unmade are less anxious in general," Hobbs says.

Sometimes, however, these "whatever happens, happens" types don't consider the impact they have on others. Enter the flake, that loved one who either avoids committing to plans or always bows out.

But, that has less to do with making decisions and everything to do with self-indulgent behavior, Hobbs says.

"That's more like a self-preservation thing," she says. "Like, 'I'm looking out for me right now, so if you're not my best offer, I'm going to keep my options open.' You end up damaging relationships and hurting people."

Stumped? Ask yourself how carefully you're weighing the decision. Is it causing stress? If there's value in waiting, do so. But be realistic. Don't look for a perfect decision when no such thing exists.