Hi, I'm a sportswriter. Wanna see my iPod list? Care to know my picks for foreign film of the year? Interest you in a fab recipe for ceviche?

Is it me or do today's national sports journalists think they're working in the Metro(sexual) section? In their zeal to prove that they are oh-so-distinct from the cigar-chomping middlebrows of stereotype, are male sportswriters and broadcasters going off the deep end?

If it isn't Sports Illustrated writer Grant Wahl cluttering his otherwise terrific online college basketball mailbag with recommendations for the latest Pedro Almodóvar film or Manu Chao single, it's ESPN's Tony Reali rockin' the pink tie on "Around the Horn" and chastising panelist Tim Cowlishaw for wearing a "pajama shirt."

The profession of Oscar Madison is embracing the ethic of Felix Unger.

ESPN anchor Kenny Mayne gets a pass for his brief, scary run on "Dancing With the Stars" simply because he invented the all-time greatest sports highlight reel non sequitur ("I am the greatest player in all of the land. Bring me the finest meats and cheeses"), but I'm having difficulty summoning such good will for former NFL player and current football analyst Mark "Stink" Schlereth, who recently traded his jock for the role of detective Roc Hoover on the soap opera "Guiding Light."

Sadly, Schlereth isn't the first sports broadcaster to reach for the soap. High-volume sports commentator and former sports talk-show host Steven A. Smith made an earlier cameo on "General Hospital" as an obnoxious reporter (woo, stretch!).

I get it to a degree. Most sports journalists are well read, well traveled, intelligent guys with a great diversity of interests and abilities. And if we give broad allowance to athletes who want to spread their wings (Hey Shaq, how's "Kazaam II" coming along?), why not the guys who cover them?

But professional athletes are, essentially, paid entertainers, and some people are genuinely interested in what they have to say about fashion, politics and the secrets of soft skin. The best sports journalists are, or should be, skilled storytellers, not attention-hungry dorks angling for YouTube hits. Who in their right mind gives two dribbles about what Luke Winn thinks about the new Sigur Ros CD? (Save the "U're a hipocret" e-mails, folks. This column is technically part of the features section, and no one reads me anyway.)

Maybe its a sign of progress that top female sports journalists such as Suzy Kolber and Jackie MacMullen are holding down the fort (and their egos) with expert reporting and commentary while their male counterparts primp for the camera and prattle on about who's a better dancer, Laila Ali or Apolo Anton Ohno.

As venerable sportswriter Red Smith once said, "There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."

If sports journalists today hope to accomplish half as much as Red did, they'd do well to shut up and bleed.

Reach Michael Tsai at mtsai@honoluluadvertiser.com.