In 29 years of living in wedded bliss, I have discovered that the key to keeping the romance in marriage is for a husband and wife to talk dirty to each other.

That is why my wife will often give me a come-hither look and, in her sexiest voice, say, "Would you clean the bathroom?"

And I will gaze into her beautiful brown eyes and reply, "Sure. You want me to do a load of laundry, too?"

"Yes. And vacuum upstairs."

"I love it when you talk like that."

"And don't forget to take out the garbage."

So I was not surprised to read that the Pew Research Center, which was probably named by a spouse with a dirty bathroom, recently conducted a survey of married people and found that the sharing of household chores is considered the most important element in a good marriage.

According to the survey, 62 percent of the 2,000 respondents put chore-sharing at the top of their list, ahead of child-rearing and, yes, sex. I'm not sure who these people are, but I'm glad I don't know them.

Still, it is a fact that housework is the glue that holds a marriage together. Unfortunately, the glue must be cleaned up, preferably with a damp cloth so it doesn't ruin the furniture.

Not to be outdone, I conducted my own survey, with the sole respondent being my wife, Sue. When I asked her about the importance of doing chores, she said, "I wish I had a housekeeper."

"You don't need a housekeeper," I told her. "You have me."

Sue acknowledged that I am "cheap labor," adding, "You're much better than you used to be." Then she pointed out that it took me 25 years to learn how to use the washing machine.

I am ashamed to admit that for a long time, I was laundry-challenged. It was probably due to a traumatic experience I had in college. I went to a Laundromat, stuffed my dirty clothes into one of those industrial washers, threw in a box of detergent and walked up the street for a beer. When I returned, the entire Laundromat looked like a scene from "The Blob," with suds creeping across the floor. Naturally, they were coming out of my machine.

With Sue's guidance, I am much better now and have even been known to do multiple loads without flooding the house.

When I asked Sue which chore is my strong point, she said, "Cleaning the bathroom."

I am flush with excitement to say that I could give the Tidy Bowl Man a run for his money.

My worst chore: vacuuming.

"Your vacuuming skills aren't the greatest," Sue said.

I hate to vacuum because I keep running over the cord. I'm lucky I haven't been electrocuted. I can best describe this chore with a word that also describes what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do.

Here are some of my other chores.