Mikki Buentello grew up in a home in which her mother endured regular beatings from her husband.

When Buentello started dating, the cycle continued. One partner after another would beat and verbally abuse her.

"Because I thought it was normal, I just dealt with it," she said. "I didn't know men were not supposed to slap you or grab you by the arm or hit you."

Buentello, 31, wants the cycle to stop.

She is constantly drumming into her five young children that men are not supposed to hit women, that women are to be treated with respect.

The message may have a tough time sticking.

Studies show that boys raised in homes in which the fathers regularly abused their spouses are more prone to become abusers themselves later in life, and girls raised in homes in which mothers are abused by the fathers are more apt to become victims.

There's no guarantee one will lead to the other, but the anecdotal evidence is strong enough that many say the key to reducing Hawai'i's domestic violence problem lies with its youth.

If young children and teenagers learn that physical or mental abuse is not part of healthy relationships, there's a good chance the cycle of abuse can be stopped.

Yet that message doesn't seem to be getting through to enough young people, partly because too few preventive programs are in place.

One Department of Education survey reported that 10 percent of Hawai'i high school students and 6 percent of middle school students indicated they were hit, slapped or physically hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend over the previous year.

When high school students here are asked whether they have been in a violent intimate relationship or know someone who has, one of every two says yes, according to Cynthia Iannce Spencer, a Domestic Violence Action Center vice president. Sometimes, the students are as young as 12 or 13.

Worse, when the center talks to teenagers about dating violence, many girls disclose that they've been repeatedly beaten and raped by their partners as a way to instill fear and control, Spencer said.

"This is prevalent," she said. "It is definitely a tool that is used in abusive relationships."

The sex assault problem is especially common when teenage girls are dating men in their 20s, 30s or sometimes even older, said Spencer, whose organization over the past fiscal year gave presentations to more than 4,000 students, mostly on O'ahu.

"In those kind of relationships, that's where you hear a lot about some pretty awful things," she said.

Even if the abuse is much less severe or the children simply witness the abuse but are not victims, the ramifications can be serious and long-lasting.

Many adolescents will develop symptoms that can range from depression and high anxiety to hypersensitivity and learning difficulties. Some get post-traumatic stress disorder.

And these types of problems can lead to other problems, affecting still more people and adding to the costs to society.

Juvenile delinquency. School bullying. Increasing drug use.

"Judges have recognized for years the terrible consequences of domestic violence, especially for children who are exposed to and are witnesses of domestic violence," Judiciary spokeswoman Marsha Kitagawa wrote in an e-mail. "These consequences, in turn, translate into costs, both financial and in terms of public safety, for the community. Judges would like to see the community devote more resources toward domestic violence prevention at the earliest stages. The community needs much more education and social-service type programs."

The consequences of domestic violence have hit home for Denby Lee Toci and her four children on the Big Island.

All but one of the children were abused during a stormy 17-year relationship Toci had with her high school sweetheart, she said.

All four children, who ranged in age from 5 to 14 when she finally left her husband in 2000, needed therapy.

One child, who was isolated by the other three because she was the only one not abused, became so depressed she tried to kill herself at age 13, Toci said. Another started smoking dope and getting into fights at school, expressing his anger through defiance and delinquency. A third became very introverted, the fourth very aggressive.

"It was very, very hard on the kids," Toci said. "They loved their dad, but they went through a lot."

While many youth exposed to violence will develop behavioral problems, some will show no outward signs of difficulty and can actually thrive in school, a haven from the volatility and unpredictability at home.

"School becomes the safe place, the nice place, the place where they want to be," said Lisa Pimental-Dias, counselor at He'eia Elementary School. "At home, they're always walking on egg shells."

It's not clear how many Hawai'i children are exposed to domestic violence. One study from the mid-1990s estimated the number at as many as 44,000 — a figure still cited by some today.

Whatever the total, many youths who need help go untreated, according to a 2000 state study and interviews with experts.

"My guess is we're not treating nearly as many of those kids as we should be," said Dr. Charles Mueller, professor and director of the clinical studies program at the University of Hawai'i's Department of Psychology.

Mueller estimated that 25 percent to 70 percent of children exposed to domestic violence need significant clinical treatment.

In the 2000 study of 25 women victims in Hawai'i, most said their kids suffered "extremely serious" distress because of exposure to domestic violence, but only a third of the women sought psychological services for their children.

About half the mothers and children showed substantial signs of post-traumatic stress disorder roughly two years after leaving their abusive relationships, the study by UH, the attorney general's office and Pacific Behavioral Health Services Corp. found.

Given the prevalence of domestic abuse and its effects on children, schools should have a systemwide prevention program similar to the anti-drug DARE effort, according to Mary Scott-Lau, executive director of Women in Need, a nonprofit social services agency.

"It needs to be in every single school," she said, "so kids don't grow up thinking that kind of behavior is normal."

DOE, however, does little in terms of prevention aimed specifically at domestic violence.

Its effort is focused more on getting the word out to students that counseling services are available to anyone needing help, regardless of the underlying cause.

The idea is to create a nurturing environment in which a troubled student reaches out for help or a friend of the student makes those arrangements, said Dr. Steve Shiraki, DOE administrator for the student support section, which includes counseling services.

"That's how we create a sense of community at the school level so people know they are cared for and supported," Shiraki said.

Depending on the severity of the case, a student can get help from a school counselor, DOE psychologist or, in the most severe cases, through a private agency contracted by the department, he said.

DOE tracks child-abuse cases systemwide but not domestic violence ones, partly because the latter are more difficult to identify, Shiraki said.

A few public schools have a Keiki Safe program that is designed to identify kids exposed to domestic violence and to provide treatment by the nonprofit Family Peace Center.

When the program was a five-year pilot project in the late 1990s and early 2000s, it was able to identify many kids exposed to domestic violence who were not already getting help, said Kata Issari, program director for the peace center.

The center tried to take the program systemwide after funding for the pilot project ended, but DOE resisted, Issari said. The center still conducts Keiki Safe sessions in roughly 10 schools, but that reach is limited by the funding the center can obtain.

Shiraki said the pilot project ended for financial reasons and because the data showed it achieved only negligible improvements.

Another youth-oriented program aimed at preventing domestic violence also has been discontinued because of funding problems.

The Sex Abuse Treatment Center for several years sponsored a play for high school boys about healthy dating relationships. It was performed on school campuses, but the last one was held in the spring because of a lack of funding, said Adriana Ramelli, the center's executive director.

A similar play aimed at high school girls still is being performed in conjunction with Honolulu Theatre for Youth, Ramelli said.

Because of tight fiscal times, "We're having to make choices about what we can and cannot do," she said.

Adults who were exposed to domestic violence as children said the emotional scars can last many years.

Annelle Amaral, a former police officer and legislator who is now with Planned Parenthood of Hawai'i, said she still has a tough time talking about the abuse she saw her mother suffer in the 1950s and '60s.

"You grow up with a sense of powerlessness, that you can't stop this awful thing," she said, her eyes tearing up. "There's an overwhelming sense of doom, of powerlessness and of always being fearful."

Buentello, the domestic violence survivor, doesn't want her kids to grow up with that same sense of doom and powerlessness.

Already, she said her kids tend to be overly aggressive with each other and her — something she attributes in part to their exposure to domestic violence.

Before she left her boyfriend, he would sometimes throw things and trash the house simply because of something she said. Once, he beat her so badly her entire side turned purple from bruising — and she was four months pregnant at the time.

Buentello said her 9-year-old son witnessed the most abuse and has been the most affected. Although he's the "sweetest kid" to his friends, he has a short fuse and can quickly lose his temper when dealing with his siblings or Buentello, she said.

He also has trouble paying attention in class, she added, though counseling has helped considerably this year.

By continuing to hammer home a message of respect and healthy relationships, Buentello said she is hopeful her kids won't pick up the same abuse-related tendencies that have passed from one generation to the next in her family.

"It's a cycle," she lamented. "We're just trying to stop the cycle."