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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Wednesday, December 24, 2008

VOLCANIC ASH
A to-do list for state workers on the job

By David Shapiro

DAVID SHAPIRO’S TOP 10 THINGS FOR STATE WORKERS TO DO TODAY

10. Put in a request to KSSK to add Donovan's "Season of the Witch" to its holiday playlist.

9. Call the Obama compound in Kailua and see if you can get an interview for a federal job.

8. Have your union rep grieve the crummy Secret Santa gift you got.

7. Deck the halls with boughs of bureaucracy.

6. Collect all of the fruitcakes in the building and use them to fill potholes.

5. Call your favorite reporter, who's probably enjoying a short work day, and say Lenny Klompus is ready to tell all about what really happened with the Superferry and not to go home until he calls.

4. Call Lenny Klompus and say The Wall Street Journal wants to talk about a full-page spread on the governor's energy initiative and not to go home until they call.

3. Throw an office holiday party dedicated to the Three Wise Men — August Busch, Gerard Heineken and Sam Adams.

2. When the governor comes around to make sure everybody is working, stand under the mistletoe and show her the Post-It on your okole that says, "Kiss Here."

1. Instead of the "12 Days of Christmas," sing about the 712 days until you have a new boss.

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This column is for the state employees who are stuck on the job all day today while I enjoy the day off.

The 53,000 state workers usually get a paid half-day off on either Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve, but Gov. Linda Lingle says taxpayers can't afford the gesture this year because of the state budget crisis.

The administration is projecting a budget shortfall of more than $1 billion by 2011 and calculates that the half-day off on the holiday eves costs the state $15 million in lost productivity.

I suppose that's true in theory, but let's get real, nobody is productive on the holiday eves whether they're in the public sector, the private sector or the deep space sector.

Workers' heads are spinning with out-of-school kids they have to pick up, last-minute shopping they have to do, holiday feasts they have to prepare and gatherings they have to attend.

The major stock exchanges all shut down early on Christmas Eve, recognizing that nobody's head is into business when Santa is on his way.

Many private companies let employees off early on the eves of the big holidays so they can plan the festivities at home instead of at the office.

Given that little work is going to get done anyway, and that rotating workers between Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve keeps government offices staffed at an adequate holiday level, giving a few hours off is an easy morale boost that really doesn't cost very much.

This is something it wouldn't have hurt the state to think about at a time when employees are being asked to go a year or more without pay raises because of the bad economy.

It could have been worse for state workers, though.

Pratt & Whitney, the aircraft-engine manufacturer, tried to capitalize on the notoriously low productivity on Christmas Eve by forcing 1,000 of its employees in Connecticut to stay home and go without pay for the day.

I've never been clear on what constitutes a holly-jolly Christmas, but I'm pretty sure that isn't it.

We're getting way too serious for Christmas Eve, so in the holiday spirit of giving, I'll wrap it up by offering my Top 10 ideas for productive things a state worker can do today.

David Shapiro, a veteran Hawai'i journalist, can be reached by e-mail at dave@volcanicash.net. His columns are archived at www.volcanicash.net. Read his daily blog at blogs.honoluluadvertiser.com.