Posted on: Sunday, February 10, 2008
Savor joys, challenges in a strong marriage
By Monica Quock Chan
It was a drizzly, chilly day in Cambridge, Mass., but our hearts were warm and full as we celebrated our wedding with 'ohana and friends. Five years, three moves and one child later, my husband and I now reflect on the time since our "I do's."
There have been challenges, such as adjusting to each other's idiosyncrasies, but there have also been many joys, like being best friends and sharing life's experiences.
To be sure, my spouse and I are fairly similar, which has made our marital path smoother. Who one marries is indeed critical. Even so, every couple has to continually put effort into strengthening their union. As we enter the next half-decade of our wedded life, we would like to share what has helped us along the way:
Commitment: " 'Til death do us part" reads the traditional vows, but to remain devoted through ups, downs and unforeseen changes requires perseverance. Although extreme situations exist where separation is warranted, a mindset of lifetime dedication provides better motivation to work out differences.
Communication: Despite busy schedules, relaying what transpires in each other's daily lives is a priority. Going beyond facts to feelings, opinions, concerns and hopes is important, as is listening, listening, listening.
Time: Quality time is good; quality plus quantity is even better. Setting time aside weekly to focus on growing our relationship has helped us; others we know have regular date nights. Whatever form it takes, couples need time together, apart from the kids and other obligations, for renewal.
Service: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" solves a myriad of issues, for actions speak louder than words. When both partners are willing to do more than half of their share, selflessness flourishes.
Love and respect: The best-selling eponymous book postulates that women desire love, while men thrive on respect. Cultivating these two basic needs can make for more satisfied spouses.
Shared interests: My husband and I aim to do things together that we both enjoy. Though this has meant de-emphasizing individual interests which do not overlap, it is also a blessing to jointly forge new memories together.
Positive outlook: The ability to view differences as a plus is helpful. Dissimilarities can balance and complement one another, as well as provide humor and a healthy dose of humility.
Managing conflict: This does not mean an absence of discord, for in any close relationship, arguments can be useful and necessary. However, there is a fine line between disagreeing constructively and fighting destructively; wise couples strive for the former.
Forgiveness: No one is perfect, least of all ourselves. So a generous amount of patience and grace, plus the self-abnegating willingness to utter both "Mea culpa" and "I forgive you," go a long way in preserving the union.
Broad vision: Seeking others' advice and spiritual guidance provides needed support for the marital journey. Couples who, in turn, reach out to and assist those outside of their marriage ironically strengthen their own matrimony in the process.
Though we still have much to learn about having an ideal marriage, it has so far been a fulfilling and cherished relationship. As my husband replies when single friends ask him about wedded life, "I highly recommend it."
Monica Quock Chan is a freelance writer who lives in Honolulu with her husband and daughter.
Reach Monica Quock Chan at islandlife@honoluluadvertiser.com.
