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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Saturday, January 26, 2008

Mistakes every good parent makes

By Doreen Nagle
Gannett News Service

No parent - indeed, no person - intentionally makes mistakes, but in our innocence as humans, we all make mistakes unintentionally. Here is a short list of some of the more common ones parents make:

Overexplaining: This is perhaps the biggest mistake we parents make (guilty!). Because we do not want to repeat the mistakes of generations past who used the "Do it because I said so" method of discipline, we now explain "why" to our children. Maybe too much. Have you ever lost interest in a topic because the speaker rambles on and on and on in an effort to drive the point home? Whether you are teaching your child grammar or laying down the law, get to the point quickly.

Making assumptions: Have you labeled your child as a discipline problem? Labeling gives your child no space to change - or outgrow - bad behaviors. Assess each situation with new eyes, even if it appears to be the same old story upon first glance. This will show your child that not only do you believe he is capable of change, but that you believe he has accomplished it. Suspend your old prejudices until you hear all the facts or observe the situation firsthand.

Passing your constraints onto your child: So, every morning you're late to work because your child takes too long getting ready for you to drop her at daycare. She dawdles with her breakfast, feeds her stuffed animals, throws a tantrum over getting dressed. This upsets you so you yell at her when you really mean to yell at yourself. Did you really expect your toddler to honor your time constraints? She's only 3! You, on the other hand, are an adult and therefore have the capability to gauge how much time is needed for a morning routine that includes a small child. When you have constraints that rely on your child's cooperation, take your child's foibles into consideration when planning. Get up earlier, layout breakfast the night before, pack the stuffed animals in a take-along bag.

Letting your child be in charge: Do you remember that you had little say in what you did as a child, what food was served to you, where you went? This is one reason given today by some parents as an excuse for letting their children take control. Many parents feel their children should have more of a say in their own lives, and I agree on some thoughtful levels, i.e. children should not be forced to eat what they detest. Too often, however, parents abdicate their responsibilities and "adultify" their children by putting them in charge of decisions that should be made by adults. Giving full control to a child to decide where the family will vacation or how money will be spent is putting too much pressure on that child, robbing him or her of their right to be children - and your job to be a parent. Parents may rationalize this decision by saying that their children begged to be in charge. Discriminating between what's appropriate for a child and what isn't is what separates children from adults.

PARENTING TIP FROM THE TRENCHES:

• A big mistake parents make is neglecting to put aside time for fun as a family. Building enjoyable memories together will help during the times when you must put your foot down. Your children will respect you more if you balance discipline with fun. So, drag out a board game during dinner, pop some popcorn and rent a movie or have a family sleepover in the living room - tonight.