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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, June 1, 2008

Tales From the Crib: Moms, don't get impatient when you lose patience

By Angie Wagner
For The Associated Press

LAS VEGAS — The other day, we went to a restaurant where all the employees were incompetent. OK. Maybe not ALL of them, but it certainly seemed that way.

We tried to order, but as soon as the employee heard us ordering a salad, she tried to whisk us away to the salad-only order line even though we had not finished ordering.

I possibly overreacted a bit. I loudly said: "We are a family of four. We would like to ALL eat here. Can we please continue ordering?"

By the time they finally brought the kids' mac 'n' cheese, which took forever and a year, I had had it. There were no cones for the ice cream. No cups either.

My patience was shot.

But I couldn't help thinking: I didn't used to be this way.

Lines didn't bother me as much before I had children. Even a few mishaps at a restaurant weren't likely to send me into a tailspin. I was a patient driver, even when getting cut off on the freeway.

Then I had children, and any patience I thought I had with them and other people was shot.

A few examples:

My 2-year-old insists on getting in and out of the car herself. ("I do myself!" she tells me.) It takes forever to allow her to do this and drives me crazy. I could probably go back into the house and have a sit-down breakfast before she is in place, but usually I just stand there encouraging her to "hurry up" and "get in the car."

What I really feel like saying I can't print here — or actually say to her. So far, I have refrained.

And I also sometimes feel like swearing at other random people.

I recently asked for assistance buying spray paint in a craft store and had to ask THREE times before somebody finally strolled up to my aisle. Geez!

And why did the mother in front of me have to explain to her daughter in the loudest, most annoying voice possible that her daughter is not allowed to tell her "no?" She kept calling her "Sky, Sky," which I assume was her name. Nevertheless, I am losing it!

Why does all this annoy me? Where did that patient person go that I used to know?

It's all normal, Michele Borba, a child development expert and author of the book "12 Simples Secrets Real Moms Know", tells me.

"It isn't in any child development book," she said. "It's the reality of it. You're still supposed to be the perfect mom. You don't find it (patience), but it should be the first chapter."

Whew. Big sigh of relief.

Borba reminded me that small children are on a different time zone than we are. They sleep different, eat different and have no concept on time. What is late? What does five minutes mean to a 2-year-old?

Parenting is extremely stressful, and parents are supposed to be calm and cool, Borba said. But that isn't reality.

A fellow preschool mom, Brandee Harwell, said she values her time a bit differently now than before she had children. She finds herself less patient with everything, especially the grocery store and while driving.

"I think I'm a little less tolerant when they're with me. And then to have someone in front of you using 50 million coupons and then 'price check' because they have to save two pennies," said Harwell, the mother of a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old.

"There's this one lady at the grocery store. I won't even get in her line. She is so slow," she said.

Borba said I could avoid some of these problems by preparing better.

She suggests leaving earlier if your child takes 20 minutes to get in and out of their car seat like mine. Or, if a child is a picky eater and takes longer to eat breakfast, allow extra time in the morning.

I am also impatient, Borba said, because of stress.

"Every once in a while, do the parenting secret that we don't do near enough. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. Put your feet up when they're napping," she said.

She also said I can try to teach even my 2-year-old to have patience by having her wait for something. Make it a game, she said, and encourage the heck out of them, such as saying "Mommy's so proud of you for waiting." Just don't do it when they are cranky or hungry.

Maybe I should try that game on myself the next time I head to a restaurant.