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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, June 15, 2008

No amount of preparation could suffice for fatherhood

By Stephen Chan

On this Father's Day, I am pitching in to write my reflections on becoming a father, as my wife and regular columnist Monica Quock Chan is shortly due to give birth to our second child — if she hasn't by the time this column appears.

At the beginning, it was a comedy of challenges. Despite attending childbirth classes and reading diligently about labor and delivery, we waited at home too long and almost gave birth in the hospital's parking garage. Despite months of meticulously stocking up on baby supplies, we arrived home from the hospital only to discover that our diapers were the wrong size.

And despite medical training consisting of overnight on-calls and 120-hour workweeks, nothing prepared me for the grueling schedule of feeding the newborn every few hours.

After two weeks of sleep deprivation, I awoke disoriented and asked my wife, "Do I really have a baby?"

It was quickly apparent that no amount of preparation could truly prepare one for the unexpected adventures of fatherhood.

Although in some ways fatherhood has been surreal, the reality is that the arrival of baby changes life — drastically. Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep? Watching a movie in a theater? Eating a peaceful dinner? These were luxuries I had previously taken for granted.

When I get home after a full day of work, Job No. 2, helping care for our daughter, awaits: dinner, walk, bath, reading and finally bedtime. Only after the toddler goes to sleep do I have leisure time to exercise or do chores.

Admittedly, my acceptance of this role did not come without some intense spousal negotiations. But I have come to accept that my wife's sacrifice has been far greater having left a hefty salary and a promising career as a corporate executive to stay at home all day with the keiki.

In this way, fatherhood has been a lesson for me in giving and sacrificial love. Now I sometimes wish that I had even more time and energy to give.

Fatherhood has also challenged me to grow in other aspects. With my daughter's birth came the realization that I bore responsibility for this helpless newborn's survival and future. My previous life seemed relatively carefree and self-focused, the weight of this newfound responsibility spurred me to a higher level of maturity. And now that my daughter has recently turned 2 and has begun to develop her own personality, I have been challenged to grow in aspects of character.

Already our toddler appears to exhibit traits like my wife's desire for adventure and my penchant for neatness. I cannot help but wonder, "If my child grows up to be like me, am I providing an adequate role model?"

Fatherhood's ultimate challenge to me has been to grow as best I can to exemplify the characteristics that I would like my daughter to possess.

Needless to say, my fledgling experience of fatherhood has given me a new appreciation for fathers in general, including my own father, many of whose character traits I see in myself. I am thankful for his example. As our family expands with the coming of Baby No. 2, this adventure of fatherhood surely promises more lessons to come.

To all fellow fathers on this adventure, Happy Father's Day!

Stephen Chan is the husband of 'Ohana columnist Monica Quock Chan.