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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Dads, play with your kids tonight

By Angie Wagner
For The Associated Press

When I was around 9 years old, my family took a big trip to Disney World. I can't really remember what rides we rode or if I was even impressed.

But I do remember the silly game my father and I played while strolling the streets of Disney. We called it "hand slaps," and basically it meant I could only hold his hand if I slapped it right smack in the middle so it made a nice clasp sound.

From then on it was "hand slaps" all the time.

As a parent, that memory reminds me of the need for my husband to find little ways to connect with our two daughters.

I am certain my husband is way more involved in our children's lives than my father was in mine. This is a different generation, where fathers take their kids to play class and to the park and stay at home, too. And it was my husband who first fed our daughter solid foods. I was too nervous.

But some things haven't changed.

I know my father won't change a diaper. Didn't 34 years ago, and doesn't now.

My husband will change them, but prefers me to do it. When he gets an especially gross one, he narrates loudly from the changing table about how disgusting it is.

Another thing that is the same for many families, even in this generation: Dad works all day, while Mom stays at home. In the evening, it's not always easy for the household to transition from Mom-in-charge to Dad's-at-home-too. (Not that evening transitions are a piece of cake when both parents work outside the home, of course.)

But Mark Brandenburg, a life coach who works with fathers, says those evening interludes are a fabulous time to create meaningful father-child connections.

Come home from work, get on the floor with the children and really find out about them and what is going on in their lives, he says. Fathers also need to talk about what they did at work, to show the child that they are sharing part of themselves with them.

"If you're not willing to do that, unfortunately when your child gets older, you're going to have problems doing that. That bond is created most easily when your kids are young," he said.

Connecting with children doesn't have to mean packing up and going on vacation or visiting a park. It is often these smaller moments that kids really enjoy — playing ball outside, wrestling around, talking about each other's day.

"If you want your kids to share their life with you, you better be a great listener and do more listening than judging and talking," Brandenburg said. "That's the only way your kid is going to trust you."

Brandenburg said his two children, ages 9 and 11, tend to open up most at bedtime.

"I sit by their bed, just ask questions and talk. That's what they love," he said.

In our house, we have also found a nice rhythm at bedtime. Daddy reads books at night in our 4-year-old's bed. I get the kids in their jammies and their teeth brushed, then they pick a book and call for storyteller Dad.

When they all cuddle up in one bed, I can't help but smile. I go about cleaning the kitchen and putting away laundry, all while hearing them giggle together from down the hall.

It's such a nice, important moment in our family and one that I hope my girls will always remember.

Kind of like those hand slaps at Disney World.