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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Friday, September 19, 2008

Have you and your child had a sex talk?

Gannett News Service

DISCUSSING SEX WITH YOUR CHILD

Once you've gotten the conversation started, this is what you should do:

  • Listen. Don't do too much talking initially, suggests Belinda K. Grant, executive director of Mount Zion Community Development in Asheville, N.C.

  • It's not all about the facts, says Anna Tillman, adolescent pregnancy prevention coordinator for the Buncombe County (N.C.) Health Center. You should share your beliefs and expectations.

  • Be very honest. If this conversation is difficult for you, tell your child, Grant says.

  • The talk doesn't have to be just about sex; it can also be about sexuality and puberty. According to Grant, be sure to always call sexual organs by their proper name. If not, it makes them seem taboo.

  • Use educational materials if you need help. If you don't know an answer, look it up with your child, Tillman says.

    Keep the discussion going

  • Grant suggests using sex education in schools as an excuse to ask additional questions about the topic.

  • Set aside a time to watch a favorite show or movie. This will make your child relax and bring up the topic in a lighthearted fashion, such as "How many girls have called you today?" Grant says.

  • Tillman says you could use pop culture and news events to bring up the topic. Even a billboard you pass by can provide an excuse to chat about sex.

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    LEARN MORE

    The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy: www.thenationalcampaign.org

    Better Parenting Institute: www.betterparentinginstitute.com

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    Teen pregnancy has been on the pop culture radar recently with the release of last year's "Juno," an Oscar-winning movie that focused on a pregnant teen, and with Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101," giving birth in June.

    But the talk swirling around the Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin's pregnant 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, has catapulted the issue from the tabloids and silver screens to the election ballot.

    On Sept. 1, Sarah and her husband, Todd Palin, issued a statement saying they are "proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents."

    The latest Centers for Disease Control and Prevention figures show that after the teen birth rate fell by 34 percent from 1991 to 2005, it rose for the first time in 2006. From 2005 to 2006, the birth rate for teenagers 15 to 19 years old increased by 3 percent.

    That modest increase and the Palin situation have created a great time for parents to initiate a dialogue about sex, says Anna Tillman, the adolescent pregnancy prevention coordinator for the Buncombe County (N.C.) Health Center.

    "Parents should be taking advantage of teachable moments," she says.

    Saul Hoffman, a professor and chair of the University of Delaware's Department of Economics, agrees. Hoffman, who authored a study published by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy that put the cost to taxpayers of teen pregnancies at $9.1 billion in 2004, says parents should take advantage of the opportunity.

    "It's time for a serious conversation about what teens are doing, what they know and about what responsibilities they are prepared to take on," he says. "How prepared are they for sexually active relationships?"

    WHEN TO START

    Child psychologist Vicki Panaccione of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla., suggests initiating talks with kids about sex before they hit middle school, as kids become sexually active much younger these days.

    "It's so much more accepted and almost expected," Panaccione says.

    Avoiding the topic will only lead to trouble in today's hyper-sexualized culture, says Sharon Maxwell, a psychologist and health educator who wrote "The Talk: What Your Kids Need to Hear from YOU About Sex" (Avery, 2008).

    "Everyone else is talking to your kids about sex, but what are they hearing from you?" says Maxwell, who has a private practice in Boston. "Even if you fear that you're going to completely botch it, you're better than MTV."

    PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

    "We need to think of the talk as an extension of our relationship with our kids," says Lu Hanessian, the mother of two and the author of "Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood" (St. Martin's Griffin, 2005).

    She adds that if there is a connection between the parent and teen where the teen is comfortable enough "to discuss the fact that they're thinking of having sex or already having it, then the opportunity for a powerful and empowering talk about sex has the highest potential for success."

    TEACH THE BASICS

    Parents tend to think about sex as this big, scary thing that should be dealt with differently than any other issue facing our children. But teaching our children to be responsible about sex is really no different than teaching them to be responsible about money or homework, Maxwell says.

    "How do you begin to help your kids to understand their desires and how they can learn to control and direct them responsibly?" she says. "It starts with self-discipline, delayed gratification and self control. Those things in the end help with self-esteem. Teach them that if we don't exercise self-control over any of our desires, we will strip the pleasure out of it."

    IN THE END

    Parents can use celebrity pregnancies as a way to state their position on teen pregnancy without being "preachy," Panaccione with the Better Parenting Institute says. They can discuss how different, for example, Jamie Lynn Spears' life is than teens who aren't in the spotlight.

    As for Bristol Palin, Hoffman says being a pregnant teen is difficult enough without the national and international media being involved.

    "It's not a lot of fun being young, pregnant and put under the microscope," he says. "This is a young woman from a family that can help her, but even so, she and her son or daughter are going to be behind the eight ball. It's not easy."

    Contributing: Carol Motsinger, Asheville (N.C.) Citizen-Times; Ryan Cormier, The (Wilmington, Del.) News Journal; Autumn Shrum, Florida Today; (Cherry Hill, N.J.) Courier-Post; www.MichiganMoms.com.