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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Friday, April 17, 2009

Are you in a rebound relationship?

By Vanessa Raymond
HowToDoThings.com

The one thing no one tells you about rebound relationships is that when you're in one, you don't necessarily know it. After all, rebound relationships are for those people who started dating immediately after their break-up, haven't gone to therapy, yadda, yadda ... none of which fit your unique set of circumstances.

The reason most people don't even want to consider the rebound question is that the possibility seems cruel, as if you are purposefully using someone to recover from a breakup. Doesn't work like that, though. A rebound relationship is a naturally occurring phenomenon that feels just like the real thing.

In a rebound relationship, you fall and you fall hard. And that is often the relationship's dramatic pull; it has been so long since you felt those feelings that it seems like the very first time. In fact, you can fall so hard that you are not only sure that this isn't a rebound relationship but that this is THE one.

So if you're in a new relationship after the demise of another very significant relationship, how do you know if it's a rebound relationship?

Here are a few clues that you may indeed be rebounding like Kevin Garnett.

All your time is spent in the bedroom. If most of your time spent together is beneath the sheets, the relationship may be more about rekindling feelings of pleasure, attractiveness, and joie de vivre than about developing emotional intimacy with your partner. While a good sex life can be highly motivating, you'll need more than a physical connection to hold a long-term relationship together.

Life is lived in the superlative lane. If this is the best relationship you've ever had, the most considerate boyfriend in the world, the most incredible connection you've ever experienced, look at every superlative as a giant red flag. Why? Because these are indicators of wounds still in need of healing, and you may be trying to heal those wounds from the outside in.

The relationship advances quickly. If the "I love yous" are exchanged and the future discussed in a matter of weeks instead of months, chances are you are in a rebound relationship. Milestones like these indicate the natural deepening of the relationship that should occur over time, not all at once.

The shadow of the past partner lurks. Spoken or unspoken, if you view your current partner through a filter created by your past relationship, then you're still working stuff out via a third party. If the ghost of your former partner lurks in your mind or heart, he or she is definitely haunting your current relationship.

If you're trying to talk yourself out of the idea that you're in a rebound relationship, chances are excellent that you are indeed in one. Cut yourself some slack and remember that rebounding is a part of the game. Just don't compound your fouls by doing something silly like committing to a long-term contract.