(Note potentially offensive language in 2nd and 10th graphs)

With the economy so bad everybody seems to be on the skids. But, take heart, it’s not so. There are new millionaires in the world and Joan Rivers is dredging them up in a series, “How’d You Get So Rich?” premiering on TV Land Prime on Wednesday.

Rivers is the perfect foil for these latter-day tycoons. “I had a grandmother who came over with 13 children and no husband — slut — but he probably was dead in Russia somewhere,” she says.
“She washed fish and cleaned fish, and every one of those children got through college and were dentists and doctors and school teachers. It’s the old way of doing it. You were ashamed to be on handouts. You were ashamed. It was called ’relief’ in those days. And my father said his mother was so proud. She never went on relief ever. And that’s what I love about the people in our show. This is the American dream ... You can still do it, and it’s great to see.”
While Rivers admits she’s “rich enough,” her estate is nothing like the entrepreneurs she finds. “We have a man in — they’re from all over the country. I think he’s from — yeah, he’s from Florida. Two years old, his parents sent him alone from Cuba — how about that? — to a relative on the other end. It was like not Angelina Jolie. And he lived with 18 people in two rooms.
“He worked his way through Harvard cleaning toilets. Cleaning toilets. And then went into the toilet-cleaning business. Now owns the biggest house in Miami. They weren’t nice to him at Benihana’s so he built his own Benihana. You know what I mean? You don’t feel anything except good for him. Nobody was given anything ... It’s the American dream. But it’s also very funny.
“He also took us through his house, and it’s hilarious because, you know, you say, ’How much is that?’ And he tells you.
“One guy opened his safe. Isn’t that fabulous? And we sat there and counted money,” she says.
One of her favorites is the inventor whose simple modification of a blanket became a sensation. “He took the blanket and cut holes in it because he was lying on the couch and a little chilly, and he wanted to reach his remote and didn’t want to go over the top of the blanket, so he cut holes in it. And then he created the ’Slanket.’ The guy is worth millions of dollars today. It’s the ideas that you sit there and you watch and you think, ’Why didn’t I think of that idea?”’
Rivers says, “Our show is ringing the doorbells, walking in and talking to nouveau riche people. It is so great because they will answer you. And they are stupid enough to tell you where their money came from. You know, ’Oh, well, I don’t think I should talk about it.’ No! ’Oh, yes. It’s $4 million, and my husband made it in drugs.’ I mean, it is so refreshing.”
Another of her wealthy subjects was a woman named Bobby Weiner, who invented a new camouflage for the Army. “She’s a JAP (Jewish-American Princess), but she’s not Jewish,” says Rivers.
“She was married to a doctor, never worked, lived in Bel Air. At the age of 49 he came to her after they had come back from skiing at Vail. I mean, the stories are amazing. And he said to her, ’I’m leaving you for a 19-year-old with a shaved head.’ And she had no money. He got all the money. He got the house in Bel Air.
“She was sleeping on a friend’s futon. How about that? From being a doctor’s wife and sitting there in The Ivy.
“So she said she was crying in the beauty shop. And she said, ’You know, Bobby, you do a beautiful makeup job. You should become a makeup artist.’ So this woman went to makeup school. Smart. But they’re all smart. Everyone was smart. And she said, ’What’s the worst makeup nobody wants to do?’ And they said, ’Nobody likes to do horror makeup because it smells and it’s greasy.’ So she became the No. 1 horror makeup woman.
“She went to do ’Titanic,’ drove back and forth to save the money from Mexico ... .At the end of it she had said, ’I’m going to invent makeup that doesn’t run in water,’ because she was doing all the dead bodies, and she started to sell camouflage to the armies. She now sells it worldwide, but only, as she says, ’To armies I like.”’