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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Saturday, March 14, 2009

In a happy state high on porn ...

The things that make us happy get things started as we place tongue in cheek and "flASHback" on the week's news that amused and confused:

A study last week reported that Hawai'i is the nation's No. 2 consumer of porn after Utah, and this week a poll said we're the second happiest state also behind Utah. The lesson must be it makes you happier to watch your porn sober.

Lt. Gov. James "Duke" Aiona protested a "Saturday Night Live" skit in which Dwayne Johnson said Hawai'i's biggest import is "fat white tourists." Johnson lived here long enough to know the culturally correct term is "polupolu haoles."

Aiona got competition in the 2010 race for governor when U.S. Rep. Neil Abercrombie kicked off his campaign with a series of clamorous speeches around the state. It set off a brief panic on the Neighbor Islands that the coqui were spreading.

Aiona and Abercrombie have both set up pages on Facebook to troll the Internet for campaign support. If the polls are right, they'll find voters in a better mood over at Pornotube.

Hundreds of bills moved between the House and the Senate as the Legislature reached its "crossover" deadline. This is the turning point when bewilderment crosses over to pandemonium.

Rep. Marcus Oshiro, the House Finance chairman, said Gov. Linda Lingle is hiding her head in the sand on the state's financial crisis. Well, she can't hide on the John McCain campaign plane anymore.

The House voted to require all government documents to use accurate Hawaiian names and language. I'm so glad they've finished solving the economic mess and can turn their attention to correcting grammar.

The Senate passed a bill to allow prison inmates to vote by absentee ballot. In their own way, the cons are uniquely qualified to judge political competence.

The House approved a ban on the commercial display of dead human bodies without a Health Department permit. If no admission is charged, this won't apply to political debates.

The number of couples coming to Hawai'i to get married plummeted 16 percent last year. Maybe we'll make it up on the number that come next year to get over their divorces.

And the quote of the week ... from Waikiki Rep. Tom Brower on a bill to cut three state programs and 370 jobs: "Hopefully, there won't need to be any layoffs, but everything needs to be on the table." Everything, of course, except the Legislature's 36 percent pay raise.