Posted on: Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Don't yell — talk to solve problems
Associated Press
Frustrated by the division of labor at home? Don't get mad, get talking.
Anger can be lessened when couples communicate their expectations and offer ideas on how they can accomplish them, said marriage counselor Thomas Haller.
Drop the yelling and arguing, said psychologist Willard Harley. Leave the room, think happy thoughts, pray or find some other way to release anger before starting a discussion.
"Get the adrenaline out of your system," he said. "When you deal with (an issue) without adrenaline in your system, you're more likely to solve the problem."
Haller, Harley and Cari L. Sans, director of Counseling Corner for Marriage and Family Therapy in New York, offered the following list of tips:
Choose the timing of discussions carefully. Make sure the children won't be interrupting and that both partners are able to focus on the conversation.
Commit to considering your partner's feelings before making decisions.
Identify what's at issue. For instance, what happened before the coffee pot broke and you lost your cool? Perhaps there were a couple of events leading up to the "straw that broke the camel's back."
Manage your expectations. Think about what you want to achieve in the upcoming confrontation and be realistic about how it may be received from your partner. Also, consider outcomes that may be acceptable to you.
Use "I" statements to express your feelings and your needs. This approach allows you to take responsibility for your feelings. Say things like: "I noticed that you've been on the golf course four times this week." "I feel like I'm alone in this process." "I expect you to get off the couch and help me."
Don't assign blame. Blaming your partner will put him or her on the defensive.
Choose to be a listener. If you decide to air your grievances be prepared to hear your partner's opinions and feelings. Acknowledge your partner's message by saying something like, "I hear that you feel ----," or "I heard you say ----."
Validate one another's points of views. Remember that validating is not agreeing. Each partner's points of view are valid even if you don't agree.
Create a compromise about the issue. Both partners have to be willing to give up something so that the relationship wins. You can do this by making a fair request to your partner, inviting him or her to make other suggestions and working until you both feel satisfied.
Check in with one another about the solutions. Is it working? If not, then discuss further and create another compromise.
If you are feeling overwhelmed in the relationship, it may be helpful to try couples counseling. Visit www.aamft.org and use its search engine, www.therapistlocator.net, to find a licensed counselor.
