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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, March 29, 2009

The day God moved into my bathroom

By Michael C. DeMattos

True story: My wife teaches at a small Catholic preschool here in town. Each morning, the teachers gather the children for circle time, a meeting of sorts where the keiki sing songs, learn the daily schedule, receive classroom assignments and are introduced to the day's lesson.

One day, my wife is going over a lesson on God and asks the children, "Where does God live?" The first child responds that God lives high above us in the clouds. The other kids nod their heads in approval. One by one, my wife goes round the circle and each says essentially the same thing, "God lives in the clouds," "God lives above the clouds," "God lives in a huge mansion in the sky." Not fazed by the responses, my wife finally gets to the last child and asks Johnny where he thinks God lives. Johnny replies with a confidence my wife has never seen before and says, "God lives in my bathroom!"

Stunned, my wife asks, "How do you know God lives in your bathroom?" Johnny replies that each morning, his Dad gets ready for work while he sleeps in. On some mornings, Johnny can hear Dad stomping up and down the halls and then it happens. Dad starts pounding on the bathroom door and screams, "Oh God, are you still in there!"

Tickled by the story, my wife talks to Johnny's parents and explains Johnny's unique response. Both parents laugh, then Dad explains that they have a teenage daughter who practically lives in the bathroom. The mystery solved, my wife finishes work then heads home, where she tells me the story. The rest, as they say, is history. I tell the story at every opportunity. Sometimes it is just a good party joke (though it is true), at other times it is a teachable moment, like when I cover human development in my social work class. Last month, it stopped being a joke or a lesson and became dreaded reality. You see, last month God moved into my bathroom.

We were headed to a party and I didn't want to be late, but my daughter was taking forever in the bathroom. Five minutes went by, then 10, then 15. Finally, I asked through the door, "Hey honey, you sick or something?" She replied, "I will be out in a minute." "Well, which is it, No. 1 or No. 2?" "Dad!" she shouted back.

Then my wife grabbed my arm and said that our daughter was getting ready. She explained that our little girl was becoming a young lady and she needed extra time. Hearing her but not listening, I pounded on the door again and screamed, "Oh God, are you still in there?" It was then that I remembered the joke, this time on me.

It seems that every kid is "doomed" to adolescence, and each will enter (and exit) in their own sweet time, but there are markers for us parents, road signs, if you will. There are the obvious body changes, but there are also more subtle changes like endless daydreaming, the ability to self-reflect, and the know-it-all attitude. Still, some changes are more "sacred" than others, like the day God moves into your bathroom.

Michael C. DeMattos is on faculty at the University of Hawai'i Myron B. Thompson School of Social Work. Born and raised on the Wai'anae Coast, he now lives in Kane'ohe with his wife, daughter, two dogs and 1,000 worms.