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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, March 29, 2009

'Because I said so' worked back in the day, and it works now

By John Rosemond

This is the second in a series loosely titled "I Don't Know About You, But I 'm Ready for the 1960s to be Over and Done With," in which I lament the destructive effect of that decade on American child rearing — since known as parenting.

Last week's column concerned the corrosive idea that children should be allowed to express their feelings freely, which all too many of today's kids obviously believe is their prerogative. If you missed it, and you're interested, go to my Web site at rosemond.com and click "Weekly Column."

The 1960s were marked by several assassinations, the war in Vietnam, recreational drugs, ersatz peace and love, and a plague, still with us, of general stupidity when it came to children. A prime example of the latter is the notion that parents should not answer challenges to their authority with "Because I said so." The new parent-babblers — mental health professionals, mostly — maintained that those four words insult a child's intelligence, damage self-esteem, stifle curiosity, engender feelings of insignificance and powerlessness, and send the message that might makes right.

The upshot of this nonsense was that parents began explaining themselves to their children. These explanations lead almost inevitably to arguments. The arguments lead to frustration, resentment, yelling, guilt, stress, anger and other symptoms of family dysfunction. What's that old saying about good intentions?

As did most members of my generation, I heard the four words in question as a child. I heard them fairly often in fact. I did not like them, but neither did I suffer from "Because-I-Said-So-Induced Trauma to Mental and Emotional Capacity." I just didn't like them.

"Because I said so" is a simple, declarative statement of leadership, of authority.

Effective leaders act like they know what they are doing. "Because I said so" is simply part of the act. As regards children, those much-maligned four words are an economical way of saying: "At this point in your life, you are incapable of understanding how I make decisions. For now, all you need to do is trust me."

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com.