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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, October 18, 2009

Tot's tantrums are clever, but curable


By John Rosemond

Q. Our 3-year-old daughter has a bad habit of making a mess of her room whenever we confine her there for misbehavior. She will take shoes out of the closet, books off the shelf and clothes out of her drawers, and throw them all over the place. When she's finished, it looks as if a tornado blew through. She isn't throwing a tantrum — she's just passing time by making a creative mess. Is she too young to be told that she can't come out of there until everything is put back where it belongs?

A. This ransacking sure sounds like a form of tantrum to me. Though she isn't screaming, she has discovered a way of protesting her confinement, one that obviously makes you upset. You punish her and she punishes you. Isn't she clever?

Your daughter is most definitely not too young to be told that she can't come out of her room until every single item is put back where it belongs. To make this less overwhelming, remove at least two-thirds of what is currently in her room. In other words, make it easier for her to perform the task.

From that point on, when you put her in her room, set a timer for 15 minutes and tell her she can come out when the bell rings. Add, "While you're in here, you can throw everything all around if you want to, but you can't come out until everything is picked up."

When she's picking up the one-third, put more of her stuff back in there.

When she's picking up that amount, add in some more and so on until her room is restored. By that time, these quiet but rebellious tantrums should have stopped.

Q. My 15-year-old daughter's grades have dropped this year. As a consequence, I have taken away most of her privileges. The problem is she spends a few nights a week at her dad's, and he will not follow through with any punishment I levy. I feel like anything I do to discipline her is meaningless. Any suggestions?

A. This is not something you're going to be able to solve; therefore, you're just going to have to muddle through it as best you can. After all, if you and your ex were able to parent more cooperatively, you might still be married. I'm not, however, saying that you should give up the good fight. When you ground your daughter, do so knowing that she is going to be set free when she's with her dad. But stay the course. There is a chance that she will, as an adult, thank you for your efforts.

For more from family psychologist John Rosemond, visit www.rosemond.com.