The year 2010 is upon us, but it can only be a happy new year if we practice forgiveness. If we choose an "I was right and she was wrong" attitude, we are really choosing loneliness and separation from those who hold meaning in our lives. The question is: Do we want to be right in the new year or do we want to be happy?

The Hawaiian 'ohana begins the new year with a pule hāmau, or silent prayer, a time of meditation, cleansing and forgiveness. In the Bible, it is called a solemn assembly (Joel 1:14). In the Totten household, we follow this tradition and gather our kids to pray for a time of forgiveness among our family and friends. It's not easy; our kids think our "ought" will only happen again, so why go for the forgiveness? We explain to them that having a full cup means nothing more can be poured in. A new blessing is lost if there is "no room at the inn," or in our hearts or cups. The adoption of our seven kids, for example, was about making room at the inn.

People who have a number in their name, for example Totten, are natural-born leaders. Ten is likened to the number of suffering — such as the 10 plagues of Egypt — but its symbol means a "change of lifestyle." Personal hardships, struggles or difficulties can be signs pointing to change.

Change means letting go of comfort zones, familiar patterns or personal walls. It means to embrace new attitudes and new lifestyles. Struggles in our lives reveal our unwillingness to change. This is the year to live outside the walls of our individual 'ohana. Our Islands' growing problems call for our participation.

At a party, our son, who has cerebral palsy, walked aimlessly through the crowd. He didn't know anyone, but he walked over to guests and laid his head on their shoulders or wrapped his arm around their waists to hug them. These strangers received our son with the same embrace. He didn't know any better, but they did, and they received him anyway. It was a matter of choice, and I thought with a heartfelt smile, "Isn't that what 'ohana is supposed to do?"