Posted on: Monday, December 5, 2005
COMMENTARY
Move over, Gov. Lingle, I believe I won
By Tom Ruprecht
Gov. Bill Richardson said that "after being notified of the situation and after researching the matter," he had come "to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's" (The Associated Press, Nov. 25).
Yes, Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico had to embark on an exhaustive fact-finding mission to determine whether or not he was ever a major-league baseball player. (And we wonder why nothing gets done in government.)
But in Richardson's defense, we've all been there. I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop what I was doing and ask myself: "Wait, am I on the Cleveland Indians? Do I have a game this evening?"
One night last summer, I recall watching a Colorado Rockies game and staring at the pitcher for several minutes, wondering, "Is that me?"
Reporters now sense blood and are scouring officials' resumes. This has prompted some other politicians who embellished their biographies to come clean.
Howard Dean, the Democratic Party chairman, concedes he may not have been a member of the Beatles. "I have distinct memories of singing 'Penny Lane' and 'Rocky Raccoon,' but whether I did that as a member of the Beatles or in my dorm room, I am unable to determine at this time," Dean says. Scientists studying Beatles albums find no evidence of Dean's voice, though they do note that there is one scream on "Helter Skelter" that could be his.
Vice President Dick Cheney confirms his official biography is mistaken and that he is not an eight-time winner of the Boston Marathon. Cheney awards Halliburton a no-bid contract to redo his biography.
Sen. John Kerry admits that he may not be president of the United States as he had told friends, foreign leaders and Red Lobster hostesses. The senator explains his confusion this way: "I clearly recall being introduced as 'the next president of the United States' on several occasions during the summer and fall of 2004." Kerry had been able to work in the Oval Office uninterrupted for nearly eight weeks this past summer before President Bush finally showed up and noticed him.
Sen. Robert Byrd grants that he may not have ever been named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Byrd, 88, says, "I remember leafing through People magazine once in a dentist's office, and I recall my prom date telling me I looked 'nice.' It's entirely possible I conflated these two events." Byrd then rips off his shirt while barking, "But look at these abs and tell me you've ever seen a finer hunk of man!"
Harry Reid, the Senate minority leader, announces he's no longer sure he was actually the first man to walk on the moon. The admission comes after years of acrimony between Reid and Neil Armstrong. "You look at photos of the moon landing and it sort of resembles how I think I would kind of look in a spacesuit," Reid says. "People tell me that all the time. I do have very vivid memories of seeing the earth from high above, but I now realize I may have been on a Ferris wheel."
With others in Washington rewriting their biographies, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay asserts his claim that he is the pope. The recently indicted pontiff denounces his colleagues' dishonesty and proclaims himself "saddened" by the state of politics before jetting off with former lobbyist Jack Abramoff for missionary work in Cancun.
Tom Ruprecht is a writer for the "Late Show with David Letterman." He wrote this commentary for The New York Times.
