Don't be fooled: the energy vampires, drama queens and emotional bullies are everywhere. And they are extracting their toll.

Dawn Southard of Ka'a'awa, who works at Bishop Museum, believes she would have had her doctorate by now, if not for a toxic person she was required to work with as she pursued her graduate degree at a Mainland university.

After writing her dissertation, Southard eventually abandoned the pursuit of her doctorate to cut contact with the professor.

"I wrote my dissertation and ended up not showing up for my defense of it," Southard said.

The adviser invested time and energy into creating psychological hurdles for students, Southard said. The professor kept a smaller chair in the room, low to the floor, so anyone who came in for one-on-one talks would be below eye level. And students who came into contact with the adviser were often subjected to complaint and criticism, upon which the adviser obviously thrived.

Southard realized she was becoming mentally and physically debilitated. She tried to change contacts, unsuccessfully. Then, she realized she was helpless to change the script.

"It was like having the carpet pulled out under your feet," she said. "You've put everything into your career, and someone is going to take that away from you based on their ego or narcissism? It was beyond bad; it could no longer be tolerated."

Whenever the adviser went by, she'd dread that she'd be chewed out.

"It was like someone had taken an ice-cream scooper and scooped my insides out," she said. She felt raw and exposed, "the rawest place you could go."

Unfortunately, toxic personalities can do that to you. And researchers are looking into what happens when we come into proximity with unpleasant people and how to protect ourselves from them.

FLIGHT, NOT FIGHT

Richard Rapson, a University of Hawai'i history professor and former psychotherapist, said sometimes the best way to deal with such people is to ... not.

People who become toxic may be reacting to their tendencies toward depression, he said.

"For them, it's self-preservation," said Rapson, who wrote "Emotional Contagion" with his wife, UH psychology professor Elaine Hatfield. "They love roller coasters, require excitement. If they weren't doing those things, they'd get depressed."

Take the obvious example of the person who seems to thrive on conflict.

"Many times, what they're doing, fighting, feels good," Rapson said. "It gets the adrenaline flowing, they feel high. ... The problem with dealing or reasoning with a toxic person is that they're enjoying himself or herself. It's an upper. No amount of persuasion is going to stop them."

In retrospect, Southard said she learned a lot from that experience, such as becoming a better critical thinker and achieving better balance in her life. Getting out of the situation improved her life experience dramatically.

Rapson said the flight responses can be the best defense.

"The solution for those who don't like to fight? They need to run," he said. "A lot of therapists say, 'Learn to deal, develop strategies.' What they don't take into account (is) the physiologic benefit" that toxic people get from fighting.

The answer?

"Unless you love it, too, you've got to get out," Rapson advised. "You don't have to keep trying. With certain kinds of people, don't bother. Find people you like being with. The great things about getting older is you can spend your time with people you really like and say sayonara to the rest. ... I think one of the great skills in life is knowing when to run."

But, let's say, you can't run: An officemate, a schoolmate, a neighbor — or a family member — is spreading poison energy.

What to do then?

Rapson suggests the trick is to detach. Some lucky people have this ability naturally; others can cultivate it.

Refuse to engage them, he advises. Instead of becoming a participant in the spread of negative energy, make yourself an observer. And create a little distance, both physically and emotionally.

Say Mom and Dad want you to come home for Christmas, but you can't detach while in their house? Stay at a hotel, so you can get the necessary space or cut out when it gets too stifling.

DEALING AT THE OFFICE

Toxic officemates are harder.

"It's very painful to have to work with someone who's difficult to be around," he said. "Going into work, having to think with dread of what's coming up and how to handle it. You can try to distance yourself emotionally — or ask your boss for a different desk."

University of Hawai'i ombudsman Neal Milner knows some folks let toxic people off the hook by just staying, "Oh, that's just So-and-so."

"That gets nobody nowhere," he said.

Milner suggests using techniques of dealing with difficult people, such as encouraging the group to take responsibility for the situation, since groups establish informal rules and also suffer the consequences of a toxic environment.

"(Saying) 'That's just how So-and-so is' means the group has tolerated it," he said. "Respond as a collective. Try to get the group involved to talk to this person."

Milner doesn't let the poison spread. For example, if he's trying to run a meeting and a person becomes disruptive, he may say they'll talk later. If confronting them in the moment raises the ante too high, he may choose to pull them aside later.

Boundaries are important. "Auntie" dj Colbert, owner of the metaphysical shop Prosperity Corner in Kaimuki, ought to know. She refuses to give in to negative energy, even if it means losing a sale.

Colbert tells about a mother who came in and led her children to a roped-off section of the store. Colbert tried to tell the family that they weren't supposed to go back in that area and motioned for them to come out.

The mother, actively avoiding eye contact with Colbert, then said to one of her children: "We're going to spend money, so it's no problem."

Colbert, who believes she doesn't have to share space with negative people, wouldn't have it. She asked the family to leave.

"I tell people, don't give your power away," the shop owner said.