She shakes her head at the lifestyle she used to lead — drifting around and being on and off drugs for years.

But this 37-year-old single mother is determined to turn her life around for good. She has vowed to set a good example for her four children and be a better provider for them, her autistic nephew and her blind mother.

"I'm wishing and hoping and wanting so much — gosh, why didn't I wake up sooner?" said the single mom, who asked not to be identified. "I just want to slap my own self in the head. ... Nobody's to blame. It's all me."

She and her children live with her parents, whom she said have supported her unconditionally through the years. She said she doesn't want to let them down, adding that they're getting older.

"My dad's wish is before he leaves, he wants to make sure all the grandkids are taken care of," she said.

"And the one thing I want to accomplish before he does go is to make that happen."

She has been volunteering 32 hours a week at a nonprofit agency to gain work experience, doing tasks from clerical work to helping other needy families. She collects welfare assistance, which helps her pay for rent, food and other necessities.

But she said she's ready to get back on her feet, get permanent work and do more to support her family.

She said her brother committed suicide a few years ago and left behind an autistic son. Her mother became blind due to complications from diabetes and this year began dialysis after suffering kidney failure.

It all motivates her to make changes for the better.

"Now it's different," she said, adding that her children notice the improvement. "They see me feeling better about myself."

The family's wish list includes clothes, books and a television. The children have also been asking for a Nintendo Wii system.

Her 7-year-old son wears a children's size 7-8 pants and medium shirt; her 8-year-old son wears a junior 16-18 pants and large shirt; her 11-year-old nephew wears a size 32 pants and children's 12-14 shirt; her 11-year-old daughter wears an adult 10-12 pants and large shirt/dress; and her 12-year-old daughter wears an adult 14 pants and large shirt/dress.

She wears a 9/10 pants and medium shirt/dress.

RECENT DONATIONS TO THE ADVERTISER CHRISTMAS FUND

Richard Kimi — $2,000

Ronald & Sachie Shirai — $500

Edward Yasuda — $500

Shelli, Randall & Laura Ching — $300

2nd Grade Students Mililani Waena Elementary School — $256.14

World Wings International Inc.-Hawaii Chapter — $250

Katherine Cameron — $150

Naomi & George Clark — $100

Barry Lightner — $100

Charles & Robert Nakagawa — $100

Deane Neubauer & Keiko Sakuma-Neubauer — $100

Roy & Frances Oshiro — $100

Steven Petranik & Ann Auman — $100

Sylvia & Gerald Silva — $100

Suzanne Smith — $100

Katherine & Richard Tobin — $100

Jenna & Christopher — $75

Daniel Berenyi — $50

William T.T. Kemp III — $50

Marilyn Smith in memory of Lavinia — $50

Felix Tengan — $50

Tony Kay Timm — $50

Annette S. Cohen — $25

Dean Ishida — $25

Stanley & Ella Mae Lum — $25

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Total — $5,664.14

Previous total — $105,196.64

Total to date — $110,860.78

Reach Lynda Arakawa at larakawa@honoluluadvertiser.com.

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