Do you think your marriage is supposed to fix a lot of your problems?

If you do, think again.

Marriage should not become a problem-solving factory. It's way too delicate for that kind of operation. Just look at the divorce rates.

In marriage, there are basically five broad categories whereby problems should be solved by the couple. Those categories include problems with children, sex, money, chores, and how to spend leisure time.

"I'm working with several couples in therapy who do overload their marriages," says a psychologist friend of ours we'll call Ted. "Some of the spouses see marriage as a place to dump all of their frustrations and anxiety, hoping their mates will fix the issues. But, no spouse can fix a mate's personal problems."

Ted goes on to explain that personal issues — past family problems, issues at one's place of work, weight problems, or needing to build friendships — belong to the individual.

"Personal problems do not belong to your mate," Ted insists. "If you come home dumping every personal problem on your spouse, your marriage boat will capsize. You will overload a perfectly good relationship this way."

Married couples need to have individual friendships and supportive relationships outside of the marriage. This gives each person a "go to" place to dump stress and redirect a lot of tension.

Also, a married couple needs supportive couples to "shore up" the stressful, weak places in the relationship.

For example, an older wife we'll call Joan had some serious health issues. Joan was a heavy smoker who eventually had a heart attack. She coped reasonably well, but her husband, Ed, did not.

Ed almost had a mental breakdown over worrying about his wife.

"Finally, Ed and I joined a group of couples to do volunteer work," says Joan. "This built extra strength into our relationship because we could feel the love of other people in our lives. Before we joined this group, Ed and I kind of felt alone in the world. Our marriage was sad and stressful."

Joan goes on to say that she and Ed now exercise with two of the couples in their group. "We hike, bike, and swim often," says Joan. "It keeps me wanting to live a healthy lifestyle and avoid smoking."

Joan says that Ed now has men friends to share his problems with.

"Ed can talk to other people if he's worried about me, for example," says Joan. "This outside support takes pressure off our marriage, since Ed used to think of me as his whole world."

Every marriage needs breathing room to make it work. This means you don't focus on the marriage every moment.

If you think your spouse can fix everything — from your thinning hair to your need for a new job — you are overloading that relationship.

As an individual, it pays to design a plan for tackling many of your own problems that fall into the "personal" category — from dealing with your bad habits to patching up a relationship with your sister. When you take these personal issues into your marriage, you will cause distance and pain in your relationship.

"My wife tries to dump everything from decorating-the-house problems to family feud problems with her extended family on me," says a man we'll call Mike. "I dread to come home. I don't have the strength to deal with every issue my wife wants to discuss."

These tips can help get your marriage off overload:

• Act out love constantly. Perform small acts of kindness to nurture your spouse, so he or she will know you desire happiness for him or her.

• Define what you're not willing to do. For example, you might need to tell your spouse that you can't fix his or her family feud. Set the boundary that you can listen, but you're not qualified to offer any advice with those kinds of issues.

• Support your mate in seeking professional advice. For example, if your spouse is troubled about family issues, ask your mate to call a counselor. Large problems call for expert advice.

• Work diligently to acquire supportive friends. Do make it a major goal to find solid friendships for yourself. Help your spouse do the same.

"All marriages have their ups and downs," says a nurse we'll call Deborah. "My own marriage has been in serious trouble many times. When I can sit down and chat with a girlfriends over a cup of coffee after work, though, I can gain a new perspective on how to deal with my husband."

Deborah goes on to say, "All problems in a marriage don't have to be resolved. Many problems are really minor irritations. Letting off steam with a friend helps the pain subside when you've had a huge quarrel with your spouse.

"Every person alive needs someone to take their pain to — and it should not always be your mate," adds Deborah. "Dumping stress on your mate just weakens the relationship day by day. Sometimes, it pays to have a cooling off period and go back into the relationship like it's a new, fresh thing."

We agree wholeheartedly with Deborah. The best way to keep a marriage on a steady course is to always behave as if the love relationship is a "new" thing.

It pays to occasionally toss emotional garbage overboard and not discuss it again. Start fresh and let old pain subside.

None of us should expect our mates to have all of the answers we need. However, this doesn't mean we can't ask our mates for an opinion or state a problem to see if he or she is willing to offer productive advice.

But, if we depend too much on our mates to absorb our personal stress, we take all of the pleasure out of being together.

A marriage that becomes too unpleasant is in danger of dissolving.

Judi Hopson and Emma Hopson are authors of a stress management book for paramedics, firefighters and police, "Burnout To Balance: EMS Stress." Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.

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